It’s Presidents’ Day, a day in America where we celebrate the 44 men (MEN) who have held the highest office in our government. Also, a day for mattress sales. Why are there so many mattress sales? Anyway, like Africa and the Bible, the Presidents are one of my weaknesses when it comes to trivia. And don’t even bother with Vice Presidents. I have a few stock answers that are almost sure to be incorrect. Mostly, I like to answer “James K. Polk” because it’s fun to say. Here’s an interesting tidbit for you though: Grover Cleveland was the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms. I know this because in fifth grade, I did a report on Benjamin Harrison, who served in between those terms. Would that that were my Final Jeopardy question. Ah, well.

When it comes to fictional presidents, two come to mind. Well, three, but I’ll tell you right now, I didn’t watch The West Wing. I have nothing against it, and I’m sure I’d love it if I did. But there it is. Someday I will, I’m sure. No, Jed Bartlet is not who I think of first. I first think of President Andrew Shepherd, portrayed by Michael Douglas in The American President. Interestingly, this was also penned by Andrew Sorkin and Martin Sheen plays the Chief of Staff. It’s so good. I mean, he’s just the President standing in front of a lobbyist, asking her to love him. Oh, wait…that’s Notting Hill.

Anyway, the other fake President I love is not really a President at all. In a Prince and the Pauper-like twist, the movie Dave has Dave Kovic, portrayed by Kevin Klein, taking the place of the President when he has a heart attack and goes into a coma. Don’t worry, he’s a terrible person, not to mention a bad President. But Dave gets in there and makes some real headway, balancing the budget to make room for homeless shelter programs (where is this guy when you need him?!). Until he gets tired of the corruption and fakes his death, though the real President does die. Then Dave returns to his regular life. But don’t feel bad, he and the dead President’s wife are in love.

Then there are so many other fake Presidents to remember: Bill Pullman’s President Whitmore from Independence Day, Harrison Ford’s President Marshall in Air Force One, Dennis Haysbert as President Palmer from 24, and who could forget James Naughton as President Davenport from First Kid. You know, I’m starting to realize why I don’t really know that much about actual Presidents. Perhaps I should go watch that John Addams miniseries.

Well, I can pretty much guarantee I’m not going to be on the next season of Jeopardy.

So, Jeopardy used to have “contestant searches,” where I’m assuming you would go to a conference center and take a written test. Then for a while, they also had a “Brain Bus” that would go to cities. You could play a game, and possibly qualify to take the test. Like the Cash Cab? (Dream Spoiler Alert: You can’t just “catch” the Cash Cab. You agree to appear on a TV show; you just don’t know it’s Cash Cab. Then the cab arrives to take you to wherever the producers told you to go.) But now, it’s all done online. And today was one of the online tests. And I failed it. I failed it like it was an Honors Physics test from junior year (Physics is Phun! Right, Doc I?).

Clearly, pop culture is one of my strengths, but I am a woman of diverse interests. I’m also pretty smart. And I’m also self-aware. I know my weaknesses. And when the first clue popped up (There are 50 clues, and you have 15 seconds per clue), my heart stopped. Something about an Algerian author. Crap. Africa. I hate to say this, but the entire continent of Africa is my weak spot. My weakest spot. I mean, I blame myself but I also blame our school system. What do we ever learn about Africa in general education classes. Pretty much nothing. Ummm…What is “I have no idea whatsoever”?

I did get a handful correct. One was a clue about Debussy. Being a music major, it would have been pretty unforgivable to get that one wrong. I also got the wordplay ones right, some Spanish translation and another about “raining cats and dogs.” Also, if you’re ever asked about a Swedish Actress, Ingrid Bergman will be the response. 95% of the time. I made up that statistic. The one I’m most proud of getting correct though came from another of my weak spots: the Bible. I know you’re shocked. But I got it right! Because the answer is in a song. Ha. The clue was about an archeologist wanting to find the site of a Biblical city where walls came down. Thanks, choir! What is “Jericho”?!

Unfortunately, there were many more clues like the Algerian author than Jericho, and I was just no match for Trebek and his Clue Crew. But I remembered a lot of the clues I couldn’t answer, looked them up, and now know. And here’s a map of Africa, just for good measure:

P.S I also hope they change the questions for the other online tests becuase I just gave away a lot of answers. Whoops.

Well, it has begun: the holiday season.  For me, it starts with Halloween and goes straight through New Year’s.  Yep, about two months worth.  I’ve already caught flack for the fact that I start listening to Christmas music November 1st (more on that later), but I don’t care.  This is my celebration.  And if my Halloween was any indication of how awesome this year’s festivities will be, things are looking good! 

I had a great weekend of parties and costumes and babies.  As I’ve previously stated in this blog, I love Halloween costumes.  This year, I had a pretty amazing costume, and I’ve never been happier that ugly clothes are back in fashion.  You see, I was Clarissa Darling, that early ’90s Nickelodeon star who would explain it all.  She wore bright colors and lots of obnoxious jewelry.  And I spent about $55 at Kmart and Claire’s Accessories finding the perfect elements to make my costume.  The only thing I was missing were combat boots, which I own, but are at my parents’ house in Chicago.  If only I would have thought of it sooner…  Ah, well.  I went to a great party Friday and got delightfully (I think…I don’t recall slapping anyone) drunk.  The rest of the weekend was spent with adorable babies in costume and handing out candy to trick-or-treaters.  How fantastic.  Anyway, here’s my costume along with its inspiration:

So, onto the next holiday of the season, which you are correct to say is Thanksgiving.  But in my world, Thanksgiving may as well be Christmas Eve.  Don’t get me wrong; I love Thanksgiving.  To me, Thanksgiving is about sharing a meal with people you love and being with my New York family.  Now, I’m lucky enough to have a sister nearby, who is, obviously, my actual family.  But I’ve also been welcomed into this glorious chosen family of hers.  And every year since I’ve moved here, we’ve all had Thanksgiving together.  But I know that some year, were she not to be around for Thanksgiving, I would be welcome at numerous other tables of those in New York who I love and who love me.  Oh, the holidays do make me sentimental, don’t they?  On a lighter note, I also love Thanksgiving for the pie.

As I stated earlier, I caused a bit of an angry convo on facebook when I updated my status that I was listening to Christmas music.  That’s my rule: November 1st.  And that rule isn’t to make me start celebrating early, it’s to keep me from celebrating even sooner!  Christmas means all things winter to me, and winter is my most favorite season.  No joke, I love when the wind is so cold it stings your face.  And once you enter a warm building, you can still feel that sting on your face.  And you can just tell your cheeks and nose are red.  And snow!  Don’t get me started on snow.  In the words of Lorelai Gilmore, fellow snow-lover, “The world changes when it snows.  It gets quiet.  Everything softens.”  Now, I get why it annoys people that stores start putting out one holiday’s items before another holiday has even happened, but I can’t help it.  Sometimes, in the middle of the summer, I’ll just get this Christmasy feeling out of nowhere and wish it were December.  So you don’t have to break out your *NSYNC Home for Christmas CD, but I’m gonna go load it on my iPod.  Don’t begrudge me that.

I understand how reality TV works.  Really.  I get that it’s not really real.  You have some people who are putting on an act, and even those who aren’t are acting only as “real” as they can in an abnormal situation.  And there are the editors, who are the real storytellers, taking hours of footage and turning out storylines of compelling melodrama or just silliness.  And I also know, thanks to Laguna Beach, The Hills, etc., that there are those kind of “reenactment” reality TV shows.  But I never watched those shows; I just wasn’t interested.  Well, now that fake sort of reality TV is infiltrating one of my favorite reality TV genres: food shows.

It started with Cupcake Wars.  I didn’t question the validity of this show at first.  Perhaps I was too dazzled by the delicious looking cupcakes.  Or too annoyed by the condescending way the host informs the contestants of the passing time with ridiculous statements. (Don’t forget to include time in your recipe! You have ten minutes!)  Or perhaps I was just happy to see the actor/carpenter have a place on TV again (Trading Spaces, anyone?).  But the more I watched the show, the more things seemed suspect.  The premise is that four cupcake bakers battle it out in three rounds with one winning the chance to have their 1,000 cupcakes served on their specially made display at some sort of event immediately following the show.  Now, sometimes I noticed the cupcakes served at the events were minis, not the full-sized cupcakes they made during the show.  Not to mention, the more I thought about it, the less it seemed likely an event would be cool with serving 1,000 cupcakes made hastily in a TV studio kitchen.  There has to be days between the show and the event.  I’m not buying it.  Plus, what do they do with the losing teams cupcakes?!

Then today (which prompted this blog post), I was watching Amazing Wedding Cakes on one of those lady channels.  On this show, they usually show the cake’s journey from consultation to execution and delivery.  You get to see the couple with the cake on their wedding day.  That seems like a lot of set-up if it’s just a reenactment.  On an episode I watched today, though, something caught my eye.  I knew one of the couples!  We’re just acquaintances, and I knew they were together, but not that they were getting married.  I called one of our mutual friends, and he said he didn’t know they were getting married.  A quick facebook search revealed they were not married, not on facebook anyway.  Amazing Wedding Cakes, how could you?!  Sure enough, they showed a consultation with the couple, and they made the cake, but it was never delivered.  There was no cake-cutting moment because there was no wedding!  So beware if you’re watching this show and there’s no happy bride and groom shown.  It’s all lies!

The worst of these shows, however, is DC Cupcakes.  And not because it tries to trick you into thinking it’s reality.  Because it thinks you’re so much of a moron, you’ll believe it’s reality.  It’s one thing to do a reality show that consists of realistic reenactments.  I mean, if I hadn’t known that couple on Amazing Wedding Cakes, I might not have realized some of it was fake.  But the people on DC Cupcakes are so obviously acting, it’s impossible to suspend your belief for even a second.  And yet…it’s so bad, I can’t really stop watching it.  They’re such terrible actors, and the reenactments are so contrived, it really is riveting to watch.  I find myself laughing out loud at the sheer silliness of it.  One time, the sisters who own the bakery had aday to finish a big display of cupcakes.  Cut to a shot of them waking up underneath a table, where they had fallen asleep on broken down pink pastry boxes.  They stretched and yawned like cartoon characters and exclaimed, “Oh my gosh!  We fell asleep!”  Brilliant.  When it’s this bad, I’m totally okay with the lie.

It’s that time again: October baseball!  Now, neither of my teams are still in it.  The White Sox started slowly, had a strong mid-season, and petered out at the end.  And the Mets…well, I told you guys Jerry Manuel sucks.  But, I still love the Postseason.  Okay, non-baseball fans, that’s all the sports talk you’ll have to endure.  Because the real point is that I happen to be cat-sitting at my sister’s and I have the game on.  But if I were at my house, I wouldn’t be able to watch it.  Fox and Cablevision are fighting, and millions of people, including me, are the ones losing out.  If my sister didn’t have Time Warner, I wouldn’t know that the Giants have a rookie named Buster Posey.  Buster Posey!  You’re welcome for that gem, fellow Cablevision customers.

Now, I don’t know if it’s a New York thing, or a digital cable thing, but, in my youth, I don’t ever remember channels being turned off because two rich companies were arguing over which company would get richer.  And it’s certainly not a coincidence that this is happening now.  Cablevision, you’re not fooling me.  Fox is losing out on big ratings; why would they be cool with cutting off service unless you were trying to screw them over?  And with the Rocky Horror Glee episode airing next week, Fox must really be hoping this is resolved.  And pretty damn quickly.  Cablevision also happened to get into a dispute with ABC right before the Ocsars were to air.  Interesting, huh?  ABC was suddenly missing from all of our TVs on the day of the Oscars, only to return to the air about 15 minutes into the ceremony.  Of course, we had all made alternate viewing plans.  My friends had to relocate a party they had been planning.

In fact, in the year I’ve been a Cablevision customer, there have been three (three!) interruptions of service.  I’m sure the networks and channels’ parent companies are as much to blame in the situation, but all I have helping me judge is a condescending message that is read by a calming female voice whenever I turn on my TV.  Well, you know what, Cablevision?  I don’t care who’s to blame.  All I care about is getting the services I pay (a lot) of money for.  And I care that I wasn’t able to see my friend Rachel on her Food Network reality show when it began airing.  You took Food Network from me?!  How could you?!  I had to watch it online.  So let that be a warning to get your shit together, cable companies, because the Internet is reading this post right now, laughing it’s streaming-content ass off.

BTW, here’s Buster Posey:

Oh my god.  I haven’t blogged in awhile because when you last heard from me, I was preparing for the arrival of eleven family members.  Before they came, I had another friend come stay with me, so I needed to clean my apartment.  All of this plus my work, improv, and Patty & Emily duties, then the actual arrival of my family, meant I’ve been extremely busy.  Add to all of this my crazy and you have a very overwhelmed Patty.  And yet, the visit was a success!  My family, I hope, had a great time.  And while I may have stressed out too much, as I am wont to do, I also had a great time.  I got to go to a lot of tourist sites I hadn’t been to, and some others I didn’t mind visiting again.  And I got to share Memphis with them!  That may have been my favorite part.  That and spending time with my nieces and nephew.  Oh man, are they cute!

Of course, all this family time left me behind on my TV!  It’s the beginning of the season, and I’m behind on almost all of my scripted shows!  I’ve kept up with my competition reality shows for fear of being spoiled: your ANTM, you Top Chef: Just Desserts, your Project Runway.  I did let DWTS fall by the wayside, though.  Perhaps I’ll just skip the aired episodes and start off next Monday.  As stated, it’s a show I’m not 100% invested in.  The two scripted shows I am on top of are Glee and Bones.  I mean, I obviously can’t wait too long to watch Glee.  I’ll be watching this week’s ep as soon as I’m done here.  And Bones is my current Dawson’s, my Gilmore Girls.  The show whose characters I can’t be without even if the writers don’t always do them justice.  (That season premier was a waste of an episode, but last week’s was great.)  But I’m behind on, I think, every other show I watch.  I have to catch up on 30 Rock because the live episode is this week.  And then there’s The Good Wife and Mike & Molly.  I haven’t even watched their premiers!  Geez.  I’m getting tired just thinking about everything I have to watch.  Good thing I love it.

And just like my family’s visit and the sheer amount of TV I have to watch, I’ve been a little overwhelmed, in a good way, the past few days thanks to Patty & Emily.  We got some more great news regarding the Mutual Admiration Society we’ve formed with Memphis.  And we’ve had a little more Internet magic (which of course is where the Mutual Admiration Society began) courtesy of Twitter.  You see, we made this little video, An Open Letter to Kristin Chenoweth, about out concerns for her Internet safety.  Well, a friend of hers sent it to her, and she tweeted about it!  She called it “HIGHlarious,” and now fangirls every where are cursing us for advising her to stop tweeting her location.  We got negative YouTube comments!  Complete with poor grammar.  I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.  So, yeah.  I have a lot of sleep to catch up on, a lot of crumbs to vacuum up (three kids in my two room apartment), a lot of TV to watch, and a lot of poorly worded comments to read.  But I’ll definitely take feeling this kind of overwhelmed rather than being underwhelmed with my life…or even just being whelmed (which I think you can be in Europe).

Britney Spears and I have a complicated relationship. (Of course, it’s probably safe to say Britney has a complicated relationship with most people.) It’s always been that way. Part of me loves her, but part of me really, really hates her. Britney rose to fame when I was a sophomore in high school. That was before I admitted I liked dance pop for some stupid reason. I had some idea that I was better than everyone (shocking, right?!), and dance pop was below me. I was a jackass. It wasn’t until my friend Heather opened my eyes to the amazingness of *NSYNC the Halloween of ‘99 that I truly realized how much I loved a great beat, catchy melody, and singable lyrics.

At first, my main issue with Britney wasn’t the quality of her music (though at the time I clearly thought it was lacking). I really objected to two things, one I still firmly believe and one I’m still on the fence about. Both of these things I addressed in a letter to my high school’s newspaper, The Prospector. How I wish I had that issue with me. I mean, I do still have that issue; I obviously kept it. It’s just back at home with the rest of my keepsakes. I felt compelled to get on my high horse and respond to an article about Ms. Spears (how I referred to her in the letter), which I believe was about her performance at the 2000 VMAs. You know which one I’m talking about. My two points of contention were her lip-syncing and the inappropriate strip tease she performed.

As to the latter, I’m still conflicted on this issue. I do think it’s stupid for any performer to give the “I’m not trying to be a role model” speech because you should always be held responsible for your actions, whether you’re Britney Spears on national television or me at Maggie’s Christmas party last year (sorry I slapped so many people!). But I also feel it’s up to the parents to be aware of what their kids are listening to and watching. They also need to take responsibility. And perhaps use the Miley Cyrus pole dancing incident as a “teachable moment,” as Oprah calls it.

I’m still as stubborn as my teenage self, however, on the issue of lip-syncing. It’s not cool. It’s never appropriate. I don’t care who you are or what venue you’re performing in. If you bill yourself as a singer, if you release CDs on which your vocals are heard, you should be singing live. Yes, I know Britney’s a dancer, but so’s Beyonce, y’all! Her crazy dad made Destiny’s Child go running while they sang to build up breath control. That is what I’m talking about. Britney does occasionally sing, but it’s usually labored and strained. And she used to be able to. If only she’d put the same amount of effort into building up her vocal talent as she did building up her image, think what a strong singer she’d be.

There’s one thing I’m not confused about: she’s entertaining. Whether it was watching her fall apart (Schadenfreude! Thanks for helping me spell that, Avenue Q!), watching her first attempt at a comeback (more schadenfreude), or just jamming out at my desk to Stronger today, I am entertained by her. Her bad songs are just as entertaining as the good ones. Stronger is amazing and Lucky is ridiculous, but they’re both on my iPod. It’s also really fun to imitate her. And even her acting in Crossroads wasn’t terrible, though the movie was (Side note — did you know Shonda Rhimes wrote that? The creator of Grey’s Anatomy?! Weird, right?) So, I haven’t watched Glee yet, but I know I’ll enjoy it because if her cameo is terrible, I’ll laugh, and if it’s great, I’ll enjoy!

Guys!  It’s Tuesday night!  And that means Glee is back!  I was so excited for this!!!  Now, I did take notes during the episode, but I promise, I won’t just recap the entire episode.  I know not all of you watch Glee (though you should), and some of you who do may not have watched yet.  But based on my notes, here are a few observations (Careful, though, there may be things some people might consider spoilers.):

1. Rachel has new bangs.  Methinks Lea Michele wanted to look prettier.

2. You can tell they make TV shows ahead of time.  The “hit songs” they do are Empire State of Mind and Billionaire.  Maybe it’s me, but I’m kind of over those songs.  They better do my new jam, Fuck You, at some point.  And no radio version.  Just beep that shit out!

3. No specifics, but this episode is pretty racist, and it’s hilarious.

4. Sue was OUTSTANDING!  Great quips and dog poop cookies!

5. I wish this Sue PSA had been part of the actual show.

6. The new lady (I use that term lightly) football coach reminds me of Miss Trunchbull from Matilda.  Put Finn in the chokey!

7. Okay, here I am going to get specific.  Someone introduces that they’re going to sing “Listen from the movie Dreamgirls.”  Rachel makes a point of saying it was a Broadway show first.  That may be true, Rachel, but the song Listen was written specifically for the movie, so it’s not an incorrect statement.  Think.

8. Burlesque ad!  Another thing I’m excited for!

9. Cheyenne Jackson!

10. The final musical number was what I had been waiting for since the season one finale in June.  Thank you.

11. Oh, I thought I was done, but then they showed the preview for the Britney episode next week.  It’s going to be epic.  Another thing to look forward to!!!  Thanks, Glee!

It’s always best to be cautious when welcoming in a new season. Those first couple of weeks are dicey — you never know if it’s going to be t-shirt warm or jacket cold. In fact, I’m outside, and it went from one to the other as I sat here. But I’m not afraid to say it: I’m so glad it’s finally fall! In my rankings of the seasons, fall comes in at two, behind winter and ahead of spring, with summer bringing up the rear. Weather-wise, I think fall and spring might tie, but in activities and treats, fall takes the (pumpkin-flavored) cake.

Perhaps my favorite thing about the fall is Halloween. Oh man, do I love Halloween. I love getting dressed up. I’m totally going to be that mom who still wears a full costume to hand out candy. And if you’ve read this blog, you know my stance on Halloween candy — maybe this year, trick-or-treaters! I pride myself on never having repeated a costume (at least once I started choosing them myself), and can tell you what I’ve been every year since kindergarten. Some highlights: 3rd grade: The Statue of Liberty, 5th grade: a Stop Sign, 9th grade: Pippi Longstocking, 11th grade: a Newsie (duh), 12th grade: Daria, Soph year of college: Kelly Osbourne, last year: a Walk of Shame. I also have this (apparently annoying) habit of keeping my costumes a surprise. It’s not because I think they’re super amazing, but just because I think it’s fun for everyone to show up to work or school or wherever and all be surprised. So, I do have an idea of what I’m going to be this year, but I’m certainly not going to tell you!

I’m also a huge fan of all things food that come with fall. Pumpkin flavored everything. Apple cider, hot and cold. Thanksgiving-y and harvest-y foods. You know it’s fall when you walk into a Starbucks and see the Pumpkin Spice latte up on their specials board. I got one the other day! Not from Starbucks, but still… Food related activities are also super fun. When I was little, we always went apple picking every fall, an extremely country thing for our very suburban family to do. It was so much fun. And the pies that would be made! Oh, the pies! Two years ago, my mom, sisters, and little nieces came out in September, and we went apple picking. Well, they (and a zillion other relatives, including my dad and a nephew who hadn’t been born yet) are coming back in a few weeks, and apple picking is penciled in on the itinerary. Plus, there’s always the trip to the pumpkin patch! Now that I have a nephew in the city, Halloween is going to be even more fun!

As for fall entertainment, there’s obviously great TV to look forward to (as previously blogged about), and fall baseball! It’s one of the best times to go see a ball game (depending on how your team is doing). Hopefully my White Sox can “cinch it up, and hunker down” as Hawk Harrleson says, and end this season with a bang! The theatre season is also starting, and while many shows I’m excited for aren’t opening until 2011, there are some great shows opening this fall. Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, which I missed at The Public, is thankfully coming to Broadway. I’m also interested to see Elf and can’t wait for Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, obvi (Patti! Sherie! Laura!) And don’t forget movies. The one I’m absolutely salivating over is The Social Network. Oh, man. It. Looks. Epic. Not to mention Part 1 of HP and The Deathly Hallows. All in all, I think this fall is shaping up to be pretty shamzing!