I’ve heard this question many times in my life: “You waited how long?” Followed by the inevitable: “Was it worth it?” And honestly, I don’t know that I’ve ever answered that question in the negative. I’ve waited for many an hour on many a line for my pop culture, and it’s totally worth it.

Most recently, I probably waited the longest I ever have on line, outside even, for Standing Room Only tickets to The Book of Mormon. Yes, not only did Emily and I wait eleven hours for tickets to a show we’d already seen, but the tickets we were waiting for entitled us to stand in the back of the theatre for the duration. No seats, no backrest. Just our feet and the seat-backs in front of us to lean on. And it was 100%, no doubt about it, worth it. I obviously knew the show would be worth it. But the wait itself was part of the fun:

Waiting on line is just like going on a roadtrip. Sure, it gets a little uncomfortable, sometimes boring, and long. But just like a roadtrip, you have to be prepared. Bring activities! Dress appropriately! Start sing-alongs! (You’d think this wouldn’t go over well, but since most of my line-waiting is music related, no one usually throws things at me.) And bring good company. Of course, if you go by yourself, make friends! When you’re waiting on line for something, all the other people on that line want it just as badly as you. They’re your people! Some of them are going to be weirdos, obviously, (I mean, I’m a weirdo), but some of them are going to be awesome. And even if you never talk to them again, you will always have this line.

I’ve waited on line for Broadway shows (obvi), signings (BBMak, Carol Channing, Patti LuPone), comedy shows (UCB), drag queens (Drag Race), midnight movie releases (HP), concerts (Adam Lambert), rollercoasters (Kingda Ka), after parties (*NSYNC), and screenings (HP), among other things. I even waited in line for a Harry Potter book release and wasn’t even buying the book. (I’m a fancypants and ordered the UK publications from Amazon.) So, if you’d rather take a plane somewhere or pay for the luxury of a seat, I’ll meet you on the other side. And while I’m waiting for you, I’ll pass the time with a good round of “Going on a Picnic.”

Well, it has begun: the holiday season.  For me, it starts with Halloween and goes straight through New Year’s.  Yep, about two months worth.  I’ve already caught flack for the fact that I start listening to Christmas music November 1st (more on that later), but I don’t care.  This is my celebration.  And if my Halloween was any indication of how awesome this year’s festivities will be, things are looking good! 

I had a great weekend of parties and costumes and babies.  As I’ve previously stated in this blog, I love Halloween costumes.  This year, I had a pretty amazing costume, and I’ve never been happier that ugly clothes are back in fashion.  You see, I was Clarissa Darling, that early ’90s Nickelodeon star who would explain it all.  She wore bright colors and lots of obnoxious jewelry.  And I spent about $55 at Kmart and Claire’s Accessories finding the perfect elements to make my costume.  The only thing I was missing were combat boots, which I own, but are at my parents’ house in Chicago.  If only I would have thought of it sooner…  Ah, well.  I went to a great party Friday and got delightfully (I think…I don’t recall slapping anyone) drunk.  The rest of the weekend was spent with adorable babies in costume and handing out candy to trick-or-treaters.  How fantastic.  Anyway, here’s my costume along with its inspiration:

So, onto the next holiday of the season, which you are correct to say is Thanksgiving.  But in my world, Thanksgiving may as well be Christmas Eve.  Don’t get me wrong; I love Thanksgiving.  To me, Thanksgiving is about sharing a meal with people you love and being with my New York family.  Now, I’m lucky enough to have a sister nearby, who is, obviously, my actual family.  But I’ve also been welcomed into this glorious chosen family of hers.  And every year since I’ve moved here, we’ve all had Thanksgiving together.  But I know that some year, were she not to be around for Thanksgiving, I would be welcome at numerous other tables of those in New York who I love and who love me.  Oh, the holidays do make me sentimental, don’t they?  On a lighter note, I also love Thanksgiving for the pie.

As I stated earlier, I caused a bit of an angry convo on facebook when I updated my status that I was listening to Christmas music.  That’s my rule: November 1st.  And that rule isn’t to make me start celebrating early, it’s to keep me from celebrating even sooner!  Christmas means all things winter to me, and winter is my most favorite season.  No joke, I love when the wind is so cold it stings your face.  And once you enter a warm building, you can still feel that sting on your face.  And you can just tell your cheeks and nose are red.  And snow!  Don’t get me started on snow.  In the words of Lorelai Gilmore, fellow snow-lover, “The world changes when it snows.  It gets quiet.  Everything softens.”  Now, I get why it annoys people that stores start putting out one holiday’s items before another holiday has even happened, but I can’t help it.  Sometimes, in the middle of the summer, I’ll just get this Christmasy feeling out of nowhere and wish it were December.  So you don’t have to break out your *NSYNC Home for Christmas CD, but I’m gonna go load it on my iPod.  Don’t begrudge me that.

I understand how reality TV works.  Really.  I get that it’s not really real.  You have some people who are putting on an act, and even those who aren’t are acting only as “real” as they can in an abnormal situation.  And there are the editors, who are the real storytellers, taking hours of footage and turning out storylines of compelling melodrama or just silliness.  And I also know, thanks to Laguna Beach, The Hills, etc., that there are those kind of “reenactment” reality TV shows.  But I never watched those shows; I just wasn’t interested.  Well, now that fake sort of reality TV is infiltrating one of my favorite reality TV genres: food shows.

It started with Cupcake Wars.  I didn’t question the validity of this show at first.  Perhaps I was too dazzled by the delicious looking cupcakes.  Or too annoyed by the condescending way the host informs the contestants of the passing time with ridiculous statements. (Don’t forget to include time in your recipe! You have ten minutes!)  Or perhaps I was just happy to see the actor/carpenter have a place on TV again (Trading Spaces, anyone?).  But the more I watched the show, the more things seemed suspect.  The premise is that four cupcake bakers battle it out in three rounds with one winning the chance to have their 1,000 cupcakes served on their specially made display at some sort of event immediately following the show.  Now, sometimes I noticed the cupcakes served at the events were minis, not the full-sized cupcakes they made during the show.  Not to mention, the more I thought about it, the less it seemed likely an event would be cool with serving 1,000 cupcakes made hastily in a TV studio kitchen.  There has to be days between the show and the event.  I’m not buying it.  Plus, what do they do with the losing teams cupcakes?!

Then today (which prompted this blog post), I was watching Amazing Wedding Cakes on one of those lady channels.  On this show, they usually show the cake’s journey from consultation to execution and delivery.  You get to see the couple with the cake on their wedding day.  That seems like a lot of set-up if it’s just a reenactment.  On an episode I watched today, though, something caught my eye.  I knew one of the couples!  We’re just acquaintances, and I knew they were together, but not that they were getting married.  I called one of our mutual friends, and he said he didn’t know they were getting married.  A quick facebook search revealed they were not married, not on facebook anyway.  Amazing Wedding Cakes, how could you?!  Sure enough, they showed a consultation with the couple, and they made the cake, but it was never delivered.  There was no cake-cutting moment because there was no wedding!  So beware if you’re watching this show and there’s no happy bride and groom shown.  It’s all lies!

The worst of these shows, however, is DC Cupcakes.  And not because it tries to trick you into thinking it’s reality.  Because it thinks you’re so much of a moron, you’ll believe it’s reality.  It’s one thing to do a reality show that consists of realistic reenactments.  I mean, if I hadn’t known that couple on Amazing Wedding Cakes, I might not have realized some of it was fake.  But the people on DC Cupcakes are so obviously acting, it’s impossible to suspend your belief for even a second.  And yet…it’s so bad, I can’t really stop watching it.  They’re such terrible actors, and the reenactments are so contrived, it really is riveting to watch.  I find myself laughing out loud at the sheer silliness of it.  One time, the sisters who own the bakery had aday to finish a big display of cupcakes.  Cut to a shot of them waking up underneath a table, where they had fallen asleep on broken down pink pastry boxes.  They stretched and yawned like cartoon characters and exclaimed, “Oh my gosh!  We fell asleep!”  Brilliant.  When it’s this bad, I’m totally okay with the lie.

It’s that time again: October baseball!  Now, neither of my teams are still in it.  The White Sox started slowly, had a strong mid-season, and petered out at the end.  And the Mets…well, I told you guys Jerry Manuel sucks.  But, I still love the Postseason.  Okay, non-baseball fans, that’s all the sports talk you’ll have to endure.  Because the real point is that I happen to be cat-sitting at my sister’s and I have the game on.  But if I were at my house, I wouldn’t be able to watch it.  Fox and Cablevision are fighting, and millions of people, including me, are the ones losing out.  If my sister didn’t have Time Warner, I wouldn’t know that the Giants have a rookie named Buster Posey.  Buster Posey!  You’re welcome for that gem, fellow Cablevision customers.

Now, I don’t know if it’s a New York thing, or a digital cable thing, but, in my youth, I don’t ever remember channels being turned off because two rich companies were arguing over which company would get richer.  And it’s certainly not a coincidence that this is happening now.  Cablevision, you’re not fooling me.  Fox is losing out on big ratings; why would they be cool with cutting off service unless you were trying to screw them over?  And with the Rocky Horror Glee episode airing next week, Fox must really be hoping this is resolved.  And pretty damn quickly.  Cablevision also happened to get into a dispute with ABC right before the Ocsars were to air.  Interesting, huh?  ABC was suddenly missing from all of our TVs on the day of the Oscars, only to return to the air about 15 minutes into the ceremony.  Of course, we had all made alternate viewing plans.  My friends had to relocate a party they had been planning.

In fact, in the year I’ve been a Cablevision customer, there have been three (three!) interruptions of service.  I’m sure the networks and channels’ parent companies are as much to blame in the situation, but all I have helping me judge is a condescending message that is read by a calming female voice whenever I turn on my TV.  Well, you know what, Cablevision?  I don’t care who’s to blame.  All I care about is getting the services I pay (a lot) of money for.  And I care that I wasn’t able to see my friend Rachel on her Food Network reality show when it began airing.  You took Food Network from me?!  How could you?!  I had to watch it online.  So let that be a warning to get your shit together, cable companies, because the Internet is reading this post right now, laughing it’s streaming-content ass off.

BTW, here’s Buster Posey:

Oh my god.  I haven’t blogged in awhile because when you last heard from me, I was preparing for the arrival of eleven family members.  Before they came, I had another friend come stay with me, so I needed to clean my apartment.  All of this plus my work, improv, and Patty & Emily duties, then the actual arrival of my family, meant I’ve been extremely busy.  Add to all of this my crazy and you have a very overwhelmed Patty.  And yet, the visit was a success!  My family, I hope, had a great time.  And while I may have stressed out too much, as I am wont to do, I also had a great time.  I got to go to a lot of tourist sites I hadn’t been to, and some others I didn’t mind visiting again.  And I got to share Memphis with them!  That may have been my favorite part.  That and spending time with my nieces and nephew.  Oh man, are they cute!

Of course, all this family time left me behind on my TV!  It’s the beginning of the season, and I’m behind on almost all of my scripted shows!  I’ve kept up with my competition reality shows for fear of being spoiled: your ANTM, you Top Chef: Just Desserts, your Project Runway.  I did let DWTS fall by the wayside, though.  Perhaps I’ll just skip the aired episodes and start off next Monday.  As stated, it’s a show I’m not 100% invested in.  The two scripted shows I am on top of are Glee and Bones.  I mean, I obviously can’t wait too long to watch Glee.  I’ll be watching this week’s ep as soon as I’m done here.  And Bones is my current Dawson’s, my Gilmore Girls.  The show whose characters I can’t be without even if the writers don’t always do them justice.  (That season premier was a waste of an episode, but last week’s was great.)  But I’m behind on, I think, every other show I watch.  I have to catch up on 30 Rock because the live episode is this week.  And then there’s The Good Wife and Mike & Molly.  I haven’t even watched their premiers!  Geez.  I’m getting tired just thinking about everything I have to watch.  Good thing I love it.

And just like my family’s visit and the sheer amount of TV I have to watch, I’ve been a little overwhelmed, in a good way, the past few days thanks to Patty & Emily.  We got some more great news regarding the Mutual Admiration Society we’ve formed with Memphis.  And we’ve had a little more Internet magic (which of course is where the Mutual Admiration Society began) courtesy of Twitter.  You see, we made this little video, An Open Letter to Kristin Chenoweth, about out concerns for her Internet safety.  Well, a friend of hers sent it to her, and she tweeted about it!  She called it “HIGHlarious,” and now fangirls every where are cursing us for advising her to stop tweeting her location.  We got negative YouTube comments!  Complete with poor grammar.  I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.  So, yeah.  I have a lot of sleep to catch up on, a lot of crumbs to vacuum up (three kids in my two room apartment), a lot of TV to watch, and a lot of poorly worded comments to read.  But I’ll definitely take feeling this kind of overwhelmed rather than being underwhelmed with my life…or even just being whelmed (which I think you can be in Europe).

Britney Spears and I have a complicated relationship. (Of course, it’s probably safe to say Britney has a complicated relationship with most people.) It’s always been that way. Part of me loves her, but part of me really, really hates her. Britney rose to fame when I was a sophomore in high school. That was before I admitted I liked dance pop for some stupid reason. I had some idea that I was better than everyone (shocking, right?!), and dance pop was below me. I was a jackass. It wasn’t until my friend Heather opened my eyes to the amazingness of *NSYNC the Halloween of ‘99 that I truly realized how much I loved a great beat, catchy melody, and singable lyrics.

At first, my main issue with Britney wasn’t the quality of her music (though at the time I clearly thought it was lacking). I really objected to two things, one I still firmly believe and one I’m still on the fence about. Both of these things I addressed in a letter to my high school’s newspaper, The Prospector. How I wish I had that issue with me. I mean, I do still have that issue; I obviously kept it. It’s just back at home with the rest of my keepsakes. I felt compelled to get on my high horse and respond to an article about Ms. Spears (how I referred to her in the letter), which I believe was about her performance at the 2000 VMAs. You know which one I’m talking about. My two points of contention were her lip-syncing and the inappropriate strip tease she performed.

As to the latter, I’m still conflicted on this issue. I do think it’s stupid for any performer to give the “I’m not trying to be a role model” speech because you should always be held responsible for your actions, whether you’re Britney Spears on national television or me at Maggie’s Christmas party last year (sorry I slapped so many people!). But I also feel it’s up to the parents to be aware of what their kids are listening to and watching. They also need to take responsibility. And perhaps use the Miley Cyrus pole dancing incident as a “teachable moment,” as Oprah calls it.

I’m still as stubborn as my teenage self, however, on the issue of lip-syncing. It’s not cool. It’s never appropriate. I don’t care who you are or what venue you’re performing in. If you bill yourself as a singer, if you release CDs on which your vocals are heard, you should be singing live. Yes, I know Britney’s a dancer, but so’s Beyonce, y’all! Her crazy dad made Destiny’s Child go running while they sang to build up breath control. That is what I’m talking about. Britney does occasionally sing, but it’s usually labored and strained. And she used to be able to. If only she’d put the same amount of effort into building up her vocal talent as she did building up her image, think what a strong singer she’d be.

There’s one thing I’m not confused about: she’s entertaining. Whether it was watching her fall apart (Schadenfreude! Thanks for helping me spell that, Avenue Q!), watching her first attempt at a comeback (more schadenfreude), or just jamming out at my desk to Stronger today, I am entertained by her. Her bad songs are just as entertaining as the good ones. Stronger is amazing and Lucky is ridiculous, but they’re both on my iPod. It’s also really fun to imitate her. And even her acting in Crossroads wasn’t terrible, though the movie was (Side note — did you know Shonda Rhimes wrote that? The creator of Grey’s Anatomy?! Weird, right?) So, I haven’t watched Glee yet, but I know I’ll enjoy it because if her cameo is terrible, I’ll laugh, and if it’s great, I’ll enjoy!

Mondays

HIMYM — Jennifer Morrison will be on the show this season, which is exciting. Also, I believe there will be a return of Robin Sparkles!!!

Mike and Molly — Melissa McCarthy, you are the only reason I’m watching this show. I hope it’s as good a show as you deserve! You’re amazing!

Dancing with the Stars — I’m going to give this another try, thought I’ve only watched on complete season (the one with Aaron Carter, Donny Osmond, MJH, and Kelly Osbourne obvi). I tried watching the subsequent season, but got super bored. This season, however, I actually know who all of the people are. And they include Florence Henderson (Mrs. Brady!), Jennifer Grey (don’t put her in a corner!), Brandy (she killed someone!), Kyle Massey (That’s So Raven’s little brother!), and Bristol Palin (Abstinence Only Education Advocate!). And these are just the highlights.

Tuesdays

Glee — Duh. Along with the amazing music, the guest stars are gonna kill it: John Stamos, Britney (playing herself, so it should be alright), Cheyenne Jackson, Carol Burnett, and Javier Bardem (?). Plus, JGroff, Idina, and Cheno will be back. Eek!

Running Wilde — I’m gonna give this a shot. I love Will Arnett and Keri Russell. Plus, it’s by Mitch Hurwitz, the guy behind Arrested Development.

The Good Wife — Mmmm. This show is so good. Julianna Margulies is amazing, and I love love love Josh Charles. The rest of the cast is fantastic as well. Plus, along with any Law & Order that shoots in New York, it’s fun to play the “spot the Broadway actor” game.

Parenthood — This show makes me happy. I love Lauren Graham, and while it makes me miss Gilmore Girls, it also makes me miss my crazy family. It’s such a good ensemble show.

Wednesdays

ANTM — Obvi. I wrote an entire blog about it. Awkward tiny waist girl, FTW! (Not really.)

Modern Family — I adore this show. It’s so funny, and so sweet. I love me some Jesse Tyler Ferguson, and Ty Burrell has some of the funniest lines on TV. The kids are spectacular as well. Manny is a genius character. Well deserved Emmys for the show and Eric Stonestreet! Now, let’s see some boys kissing!!!

Cougar Town — Oh my god. Watch this show. It’s hilarious! Yes, the title is terrible, but whatever. Another hilarious ensemble piece, the relationships between these people are so funny. My fave interactions are Jules and her son, Travis, and Andy and Bobby. Please give this show a chance. It’s great.

Top Chef: Just Desserts — Bonus points for a brilliant name! I’m pretty excited about this. Gail’s hosting, and it’s all about dessert! I hope this gives them ideas for dessert challenges to do in regular Top Chef. Desserts always separate the winners from the losers!

Thursdays (the busiest night on TV)

Bones — I can’t wait for this season to begin! Mostly because I want to know if someone at The Jeffersonian noticed that the entire Forensic Anthropology department took a year off. That’s not really how the real world works. But, anyway. Looking forward to seeing how Bones deals with Booth’s new lady, and how it affects the rest of the team. It may be too far away to discuss this season’s finale, but after two crappy ones, I better get a good one.

Community — Love this show. Geez, yet another great ensemble piece! This show’s really funny, and I don’t think got the attention it deserved. I routinely laugh out loud when watching it.

30 Rock — If you don’t know why I’m looking forward to this show, you don’t know me.

The Office — Steve Carell’s last season, which I actually assumed would be the show’s last season. Either way, there should be some great Michael episodes. I’m excited that Holly will be back in some capacity!

Parks and Rec — Looking forward to this coming back sooner than expected after NBC realizes that pushing it to mid-season for Outsourced was a bad idea. Sorry, Outsourced, I won’t be watching you.

Fringe — I’m actually behind on this show, but the episodes I missed are waiting on my DVR. I just need a free Saturday to catch up. I love Joshua Jackson. :-)

Project Runway — This is currently going on. There’s a lot of drama this season, and I’m liking the designers aesthetics. Plus, Tim Gunn seems especially sassy. I think PR is back on track!

It’s Always Sunny — Last season was alright, with just a few stand-out episodes (the World Series one was great), so hopefully this season will be amazing. Of course, an alright episode of It’s Always Sunny still makes me pee in pants from laughing.

Sunday

Boardwalk Empire — This show looks amazing. Since I don’t have HBO, I will have to find other means of watching it.

As you can see, I only have three new shows on this list. And I’m only really looking forward to one of them. The other two are getting chances because of their casts. My schedule is pretty full, so I’m fine with not adding too many new shows, but it’s a little disheartening that there aren’t more that look interesting to me. C’mon, people! Make it hard for me to choose which shows to keep and which to let go!

Oh man, America’s Next Top Model starts tonight! I’m excited about this for two reasons: one, I <3 ANTM, and two, the Fall TV season is beginning! Yay! Now, I have loved Top Model since the beginning, and I can’t imagine I’ll ever stop watching it, but Tyra needs to cool it with the crazy. Just like I watch American Idol for the contestants, I watch ANTM for the models. While some things are hilarious for their camp value (Super Smize, anyone?), most are just annoying (the Tyra drag queen/Thailand nonsense from cycle 6, the Z/New Zealand nonsense from last cycle). Thankfully, with the addition of André Leon Talley last season, she seems to have chilled out. And this season promises to be surprisingly legit: a spread in Italian Vogue for the winner and guest judges including Patricia Field and Margherita Missoni. I can’t wait!

Of course, this adds more confusion to my life as I’m already trying to keep track of three different sets of Top Model contestants. No, I’m not catching up on cycles I’ve missed (duh, I haven’t missed any). I am, however, watching currently airing seasons of Britain’s Next Top Model, Australia’s Next Top Model, and New Zealand’s Next Top Model. Yep. They’re all available online, though I won’t link to them so they don’t get removed. If you try hard enough, you’ll find them. My hunger for international Top Model franchises started back when I didn’t have cable (can you believe it?!). I was thirsting for television, and Top Model filled that void. Including watching every cycle of each of the above versions, I have also watched all three cycles of Canada’s Next Top Model. One day, I watched almost ten minutes of Germany’s Next Top Model, hosted by Heidi Klum!, before realizing I didn’t have any idea what they were saying.

I still don’t understand why these cycles aren’t shown in the US. Other countries get to watch ANTM, so why do I have to scour the Interwebs, risking spyware and viruses, just to watch girls from around the world complain about nude photo shoots? (BTW, really? Every time there’s a nude shoot, someone’s religion/morals/body issues are tested. This happens every cycle in every country. Deal with it. You’re a model.) I remember VH1 showed condensed versions of the first two cycles of BTNM, but having already watched them, I knew what wasn’t being shown. People were missing out. Tyra! Here’s a money-making opportunity for you! Start a Top Model network, and show every incarnation of the show ever. I would watch that. I know a lot of other people who would too. Plus, think of the future crossover potential! Alex Perry and Julien MacDonald could guest judge ANTM sometime. Trust me guys, you’d love them! Let’s share the Top Model love, and the world will be a better place!

Now, here’s a slide show of my fave contestant, Joanie Dodds: