I have been bad. It’s been almost two weeks since my last post.  Fail.  Sorry, dudes.  I’ve experienced so much pop culture since then, I’m going to give you the highlights.  As I sit here listening to the Christmas music channel on digital cable (why do I always forget about those music channels?!), let’s look back on the past two weeks, shall we?

When last we talked, it was about Prince William’s engagement.  Well, he tried to steal the thunder of another Brit, but he was unsuccessful: HP7: Part 1 opened on the 19th, and I went to a midnight showing.  You know, I just realized how annoying it is that the movies aren’t numerically symmetrical with the books, what with seven being the most magical number.  Right, Jo?  That being said, I liked the movie.  The action sequences were good.  Though, the first movie didn’t quite make the case that a split was necessary.  It was a little too slow, so for it to be worth it for me, the second movie better not leave out any detail.  Again, though, I did enjoy it.  Especially Godric’s Hollow and Malfoy Manor.  Okay, HP geeking out is over now.

The second pop culture event I took part in was seeing the Broadway musical Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown.  I’ll try to refrain from fagging out here (there will be plenty of time for that later), but the cast of this hot mess is amazing.  Patti LuPone, Sherie Rene Scott, Laura Benanti, Brian Stokes Mitchell…  If those names mean nothing to you, you should be ashamed.  This one should be familiar though: Justin Guarini!  Yep, that curly-haired moptop from season one of American Idol.  Anyway, if you love crazy trainwrecks, see this show.  It’s amazing.

The next big event (commence fagging out) was a midnight showing of Burlesque in Chelsea!  Oh.  My.  God.  That movie was amazing.  I don’t know if it was bad enough to be of Showgirls calibur, but it was pretty terrible.  And also fabulous.  The production numbers!  Cher!  Xtina!  And the fact that there was only one true burlesque number performed!  The rest were just girls doing hip-hop/jazz hybrid dances in underwear.  The audience applauded after each one, and laughed at the terrible writing/acting, which one woman got very upset about.  She kept asking her boyfriend (?), “What is so funny?  I’m not getting it.  Am I missing something?”  Brilliant.

Then there came Thanksgiving.  I spent the morning baking and watching my friends from Memphis perform in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (I hate the lip-syncing that happens during that parade).  I spent the afternoon/evening with my sister, sister-in-law, nephew, our Brooklyn family, and Emily.  That is a day to be thankful for.  Here are my pies:

Saturday, we went to the Christmas tree farm, and picked out two beautiful trees: one for me and one for my sister’s family.  My nephew was absolutely enamored with everything Christmas: Santa, snowmen, reindeer, etc.  And yesterday, I spent all day watching Fa La La La Lifetime movies (A Diva’s Christmas Carol?  Yes, please!) and decorating my tree.  As with last year, my tree is decorated with some cheap 99¢ store ornaments, but mostly handmade ones cut out from my Entertainment Weeklys, with Ellen Degeneres serving as my angel (as she is everyone’s).  This year, there were some new additions joining last year’s Tina Fey, Bones and Booth, Heidi Montag, Lady Gaga, and others.  My tree is proud to name these amongst its occupants: the Gilmore Girls, Cher, Justin Bieber, RuPaul, and Melissa and Joey.  ‘Tis the season!  Here’s a pic:

Oh man, America’s Next Top Model starts tonight! I’m excited about this for two reasons: one, I <3 ANTM, and two, the Fall TV season is beginning! Yay! Now, I have loved Top Model since the beginning, and I can’t imagine I’ll ever stop watching it, but Tyra needs to cool it with the crazy. Just like I watch American Idol for the contestants, I watch ANTM for the models. While some things are hilarious for their camp value (Super Smize, anyone?), most are just annoying (the Tyra drag queen/Thailand nonsense from cycle 6, the Z/New Zealand nonsense from last cycle). Thankfully, with the addition of André Leon Talley last season, she seems to have chilled out. And this season promises to be surprisingly legit: a spread in Italian Vogue for the winner and guest judges including Patricia Field and Margherita Missoni. I can’t wait!

Of course, this adds more confusion to my life as I’m already trying to keep track of three different sets of Top Model contestants. No, I’m not catching up on cycles I’ve missed (duh, I haven’t missed any). I am, however, watching currently airing seasons of Britain’s Next Top Model, Australia’s Next Top Model, and New Zealand’s Next Top Model. Yep. They’re all available online, though I won’t link to them so they don’t get removed. If you try hard enough, you’ll find them. My hunger for international Top Model franchises started back when I didn’t have cable (can you believe it?!). I was thirsting for television, and Top Model filled that void. Including watching every cycle of each of the above versions, I have also watched all three cycles of Canada’s Next Top Model. One day, I watched almost ten minutes of Germany’s Next Top Model, hosted by Heidi Klum!, before realizing I didn’t have any idea what they were saying.

I still don’t understand why these cycles aren’t shown in the US. Other countries get to watch ANTM, so why do I have to scour the Interwebs, risking spyware and viruses, just to watch girls from around the world complain about nude photo shoots? (BTW, really? Every time there’s a nude shoot, someone’s religion/morals/body issues are tested. This happens every cycle in every country. Deal with it. You’re a model.) I remember VH1 showed condensed versions of the first two cycles of BTNM, but having already watched them, I knew what wasn’t being shown. People were missing out. Tyra! Here’s a money-making opportunity for you! Start a Top Model network, and show every incarnation of the show ever. I would watch that. I know a lot of other people who would too. Plus, think of the future crossover potential! Alex Perry and Julien MacDonald could guest judge ANTM sometime. Trust me guys, you’d love them! Let’s share the Top Model love, and the world will be a better place!

Now, here’s a slide show of my fave contestant, Joanie Dodds:

In honor of PRIDE weekend, I wanna talk about the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.  And no, I’m not talking about Boxers, the gay sports bar where all the waiters wear boxing trunks, that I went to yesterday.  I’m talking about the Adam Lambert Glam Nation tour!  The way he presented himself on American Idol is even more impressive when you look at the joyful, glitter-filled spectacle he put on.  I’m a huge fan, so I’ve watched YouTube videos of older performances, which had a very similar feel to the Glam Nation Tour.  It was a glorious, campy romp, and most importantly (to me) the vocals, in true Adam fashion, were near flawless.

I haven’t been to a concert in a while, and this was an amazing welcome back to pop music.  I went with my bestie, Emily, who had never been to a pop concert.  My fave thing was her disdain for the idea of opening acts.  We came to see Adam, and she just wanted to see him, dammit!  Of course, both his openers were fierce females, Allison Iraheta and Orianthi, who both ended up winning Emily over.  Emily was also not used to the bitchiness and discomfort of the standing room, general admission floor.  While other people jostled and pushed rudely, we made friends with the giant men standing in front of us.  After making nice and taking a picture for them, I kindly asked if when the show started we could slip in front of them so we could see.  And since we weren’t horrible people, they let us!  Kindness gets you far, people. 

Then, after having us wait waaaaaaay too long (not cool, Adam.), we were greeted with this beautifully airbrushed and ridiculously gay image projected onto the stage:

Let the games begin!  Inexplicably, almost the entire recorded track of For Your Entertainment was played to an empty stage.  If you ask me, he’s grown sick of that song, which never should have been the first single, and played the recording so he wouldn’t have to perform it.  Our impatience and anticipation were rewarded, however, when Adam came out in a crazy top hat with a glitter “A” and a feather stuck in it, and a purple coat with fringe.  Oh my god.  Amazing.

Throughout the show, there were costume changes, laser light shows, backup dancers, and sooooo much glitter!  And all the while, Adam was killing it.  I mean, if you saw any of American Idol, he was definitely giving his all vocally.  But his most out there performances, Ring of Fire and the drama of Mad World for example, were just a glimpse at the showman inside.  He was working the crowd, dancing, and singing like nothing I’ve ever heard.  The only thing I wanted a little bit more of was banter.  I love banter.  Those segues he did have were a little practiced, and I wanted to see a little bit more of Adam.  That being said, I definitely saw the real stage persona of Adam.  And you can’t go wrong with that much glitter.  Work, girl!

Lee DeWyze is someone I’ve known for years and one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.   I would never claim he was a close friend of mine, but whenever I saw him around AH or MP, he would always check in and ask me how I was doing.  Tonight, he won American Idol. 

To be able to do what you love is an incredible gift.  Sometimes you can even make money at it.  Lee, I feel, is going to have a great career.  He’s super talented, humble, and likable.  And I feel like his inner rock star is going to kick in once he hits that national tour.  I wish him nothing but the best, and I’ll be buying his CD (again, the actual disc) the day it comes out.  Because that’s one of the things I love: supporting people I know and care about.  I can not be prouder of all the talented people I’ve known in my life.  And I’ve known a LOT of talented people.

Hopefully, like Lee, I’ll be able to keep doing the things I love and succeed at them.  My week is shaping up pretty nicely, even though I’m no American Idol.  For example, just because my bestie Emily and I set up a camera, talked about Broadway and pop culture, and put videos on the Internet, we got to stand on a Broadway stage last night.  And we’ve been given a fantastical (that’s a hint) opportunity to do more of what we love: talk about Broadway.  Things are in the works, and I couldn’t be more excited for them!

To end this amazing week, I get to go to Boston with my musical improv group, Dumpster Tequila, this weekend.  I mean, talk about getting to do something I love.  I stumbled upon improv because I wanted to get into performing and thought it would be fun.  Who knew two years ago when I started, I would fall so in love with it.  Not to mention finding musical improv, combining two of the things I love most.  Plus, I love my groups.  I got to go to Phoenix with DT and Chicago with MacGuffin (my other group) in over a week in April, and it was one of the best of my life (this current week is also at the top of that list).  Plus, the last time I was in Boston, I was 12.  This time I won’t just be able to visit the Cheers bar, I’ll be able to get wasted in it.  Holla!

So, here’s to an amazing week, an amazing career for Lee, and the amazing gift of doing what you love.

Oh, also my new computer comes this week.  Web cam!

My mind has been blown twice this week by YouTube videos, courtesy of my bestie Emily. They’re both versions of very well-known songs, and they are both brilliant. For very different reasons.

The first video you may have seen when I commented on it when Emily posted it on her facebook page. Or when I commented on it when Evan posted it on his facebook page. Or when I posted it on my own facebook page. Or when I posted it to twitter. Obviously, I wanted you to watch this video. And now I’m blogging about it. Because it is that amazing. Feast your eyes and ears:

This is a song that people sing. A lot. And this is the worst version of if that I have ever heard. This woman has clearly never heard the song before nor does she have any idea what she’s singing about. It’s so wrong it’s mesmerizing. Her strange phrasing: holding out one word for several bars then squeezing a bunch of words together. The weird cuts and changes to the music: “Stop all the rivers/there’s no way I’m leaving/there’s no way I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!” But the absolute best part is the end. I have listened to the last forty seconds so many times. The double fake out gets me every time. You think she’s done after her first run on the word “love.” But no! She sings “love” again with a different, weirder run. Then she oddly ends the entire thing in head voice. It should be a requirement of everyone who rags on American Idol contestants, including the judges, to watch this video. It really puts things into perspective doesn’t it? This passes for someone’s “talent.” And it’s not about her voice; she can obviously sing. But, seriously? I’d take Taylor Hicks, the lamest winner in AI history, over Miss Arkansas 1994 any day.

The second “video” I’m obsessed with isn’t really a video, but a leaked track from the Sex and the City 2 soundtrack. Please, drink it in:

Now, this is how you do it. Is it ridiculous? Absolutely. BUT, it’s also Liza singing a song the Liza way, while retaining the feel and idea behind the original. Even if you don’t love it (though I don’t really see how you can’t), you have to agree it’s done its job. And is there anything better than hearing Liza talking about her Deréon jeans? Liza also shows Miss Arkansas how to do a fake out, a key change, and end a song. From the bridge on, this song is one big fake out. Liza comes out full force with “Doooooooooooooon’t! Treat me to be queen of the world,” then there’s a key change! And another key change! And the end. That weird ending, which I can only assume makes some sense in the context of the movie. I almost hope it doesn’t because as it is, it’s confusing and disorienting and magic. Just like Liza. And the Internet.

I had a rough day.  But, I’m glad I got to end it well: seeing my amazing friend Rebecca in her improv show, seeing Lee on American Idol, then seeing magic and NPH on Glee.  Oh, yeah, plus this bottle of wine.  No, not the entire bottle.  Somewhere between a third and a half.  Geez.  I’m not an alcoholic…just a little buzzed.  This, however, is one of the problems of living alone: you can’t have some wine without drinking by yourself. 

It got me thinking, though.  What did people do before cell phones for drunk dialing?  I mean, you couldn’t really call landlines.  You might wake up someone’s family.  I suppose there were always those people who had their own lines, like DJ on Full House or Claudia Kishi in The Baby-sitters Club.  I bet Kimmy Gibbler called DJ drunk all the time, and she only risked waking up Stephanie (in the earlier seasons).  But, oh, man…cell phones were the greatest invention for the drunk person.  I’ve drunk dialed my mom, friends, guys, cousins, etc.  I’ve been drunk dialed by most of those people too, unfortch, though, not my mom.

Of course, now there’s drunk texting.  There’s even a Web site devoted to it: www.textsfromlastnight.com.  That Web site is so terrible and so funny.  Sadly, I submitted to it and was rejected.  It was on my old phone, so I can’t tell you exactly what it was, but I remember the text had something to do with having to pee as if I were from the Midwest.  Whatever that means.  If I can say something that weird, can you just imagine if historical figures had that ability?  Just pause to think for a second about Benjamin Franklin’s drunk dialing and texts.  That shit would have been bananas.

There was also a failed gmail feature awhile back called “Mail Goggles,” which would make you answer a serious of difficult questions if you tried to send an email too late at night.  Of course, I tend to get all “idiot savant” when I’m drunk, so there’s no telling what math I could pull out at a time like that.  I can’t say that I’ve done too much drunk emailing.  Drunk IMing sure.  That was no good back in the days of college and AIM.  So many bad decisions and sad away messages.  Usually though, my drunk dials, texts, and actual conversations are filled with love.  I love you, everyone on the Internet!  Consider this the first of many drunk dials.

I have many rituals in my life. Some of this has to do with people being creatures of habit; most of it has to do with the fact that I’m a little cuckoo. Here are some examples:

• Whenever I open a DVD or CD case, I turn the disc so the label is right side up and straight before I take it out.

• If/When I’m really into a season of American Idol, I take notes during each episode. I write which song each contestant sings and rate them with smiley faces.

• I read my Entertainment Weekly from cover to cover each week. No matter how interested I am in the feature story, or how much Emily wants to spoil the bull’s-eye for me, I start at the letters and read to the end.

One of my other rituals also involves CDs. When I buy a new one (yes, an actual CD), I have a process. Right now, I’m using this process on the Original Cast Recording of Memphis the Musical, which is amazing, and you should see it. Now.

First, I listen to the CD from start to finish. I do this as many times as it takes for me to anticipate the next track, i.e. when Change Don’t Come Easy ends, I can already hear the drum beat of Tear Down the House in my head before it even starts. I like to know the flow of the CD, how it’s meant to be listened to, and also to familiarize myself with the songs.

Once I have that down, I start listening to the CD on random (or shuffle, to use iPod vernacular). Now, this can be tricky if you’re listening to a CD that is continuous play, like FutureSex/LoveSounds, one with interludes, or other musicals that may have short talking bits or reprises. Sometimes, at this point, I’ll make a separate playlist without those talking bits or interludes. Memphis has neither of those things, so when I get to this point, we’ll have a smooth transition. The whole point of this step in the process is for me to learn all the words as best I can.

After I feel I know the words, runs, background harmonies, etc., I introduce the CD into my regularly scheduled listening, which is just everything on shuffle. I love hearing the ridiculous juxtaposition of my musical tastes. Here’s literally a sample:

• Memphis Lives in Me – Memphis Original Cast Recording

• City Love – John Mayer

• Survivor – Destiny’s Child

• Yellow Submarine – The Beatles

• Running – No Doubt

• Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist – Avenue Q Original Cast Recording

• Crush – Gavin DeGraw

• Too Much Time on my Hands – Styx

• Please Don’t Go Girl – New Kids on the Block

• It Ain’t Over ‘Til It’s Over – Lenny Kravitz

Hmmm…kind of funny that my ritual ends in such musical chaos.

Warning, this blog contains Glee and American Idol spoilers

“I am like Tinkerbell, Finn. I need applause to live!”

Truer words have never been spoken by Rachel Berry.  It’s Tuesday, kids, and in the Spring of 2010, that means American Idol and Glee.  Now, I happen to have some connection to both of these shows this season (name/place dropping to commence…now).  Glee was co-created by an alumnus of my alma mater, Prospect High School (which I’m sure you knew already), and Lee DeWyze an AI Season 9 favorite went to said high school (for awhile, anyway) and also my Catholic grade school/junior high (which I’m sure you also knew already).

If you’ve seen either or both, you know each show has different themes for each episode.  On Glee, Mr. Schuster usually gives the students an assignment, a song they need to prepare based on the lesson they’re supposed to learn that week.  It’s an excellent unifying device for the story.  Some past assignments have been mash-ups, ballads, and MADONNA.  This week, the Glee kids were charged with the task of finding a song that defined their voice, who they are, currently.  While I loved the novelty of many of the picks: Finn singing Jessie’s Girl and the Mercedes/Santana duet of The Boy is Mine, the most honest performance of the episode was perhaps the one that will be the least known to the audience: Kurt’s performance of Kurt’s (Rose’s) Turn from Gyspy.

On American Idol, the theme week was “Songs from the Movies.”  An excellent theme that often goes to either extreme: amazing or cheesy.  This season, my hometown hero aspect withstanding, has been a little lackluster.  Certainly when you compare it with last season (ummm, the new fag to my hag, Adam Lambert).  The song choices were interesting, and the two standouts, Lee and Crystal, did the best in their solos and their duet (Once? Yes, please!).  Big Mike was ridiculous (the MJ song from Free Willy, really?!), and while Casey sounded great, he looked silly and like a girl, and not in a good, androgynous way.

So, when I watch these shows, I like to play along at home.  Hmm, what song would I have sung if Mr. Schuster were really a teacher at PHS, and said, “Chamber Choir, I want you to each take a song with a ‘bad reputation’ and make it good!”? (Answer: My Heart Will Go On)  And what would I have sung during Grand Ole Opry week on last season’s AI? (Answer: Bye Bye Love)  So, how about tonight’s line up?  Well, it just so happens I have a song to fit both.  One which describes where I am currently in my life and was also in a movie: Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement (though it wasn’t written for it, so I don’t know if it technically counts. Suck it.).  Bonus points: it’s sung by the original American Idol, Kelly Clarkson:

I’m not much of a risk taker, but I’ve made some decisions recently, which because of my cautious nature, may not seem risky to others, but are to me.  I swear.  So thanks, Glee and AI for making me realize that no matter how small they seem, I am taking risks.

Who knew Law & Order got it so right?  I had jury duty today and had the pleasure of seeing real live lawyers bickering like TV lawyers do.  It got to the point where the entire room of possible jurors was excused before the selection process even got underway.  There was a lot of this kind of talk:

“I was merely describing the case to them.”

“Are we going to get into that now, counselor?”

“Oh, I know what you were doing, sir.”

“Why don’t we just start this off with a ruling?”

It was amazing!  Complete with thick New York accents and overblown outrage.  And that wasn’t even the best part of my jury duty experience!

The best part had to have been the video!  The video!  If you’ve been to jury duty in New York, you know what I’m talking about.  The juror orientation video they play for you so you’ll be happy to be on a jury instead of pissed off.  It’s beyond amazing.  I don’t want to spoil it, but I’m going to because I can’t not talk about it.  It begins with a dramatization of some pre-Christian olden times where they scalded each other with water to figure out if people were guilty or not.  Now, aren’t you glad you live in this civilized society with trial-by-jury?  Diane Sawyer sure thinks so.  She more than happy to explain the entire jury selection process to you.  I feel so much better now.  After watching it, I still didn’t really want to be at jury duty, but I did want to watch Drop Dead Gorgeous. 

Another awesome part of my experience is that I was actually selected to be a juror!  I obviously can’t talk about the case (the lawyers might read my blog!), but I can tell you how excited I am to sit in judgment of people.  I’m just trying to figure out what kind of judge I should be.  Should I be Randy: “Yo, man, that opening statement was just a’ight for me, dawg.” Should I go new school and be Ellen: “Geez. You know, I can’t really speak for the law because I’m not an expert, but you sure do look like a lawyer. That suit is adorable!”  Or should I go full-on judgy and be Simon: “That testimony was just awful.  I didn’t believe the emotion you put behind it.  If I’m going to be honest, after that performance, you haven’t a chance.”  Maybe I’ll just be Paula and show up drunk.