It’s Presidents’ Day, a day in America where we celebrate the 44 men (MEN) who have held the highest office in our government. Also, a day for mattress sales. Why are there so many mattress sales? Anyway, like Africa and the Bible, the Presidents are one of my weaknesses when it comes to trivia. And don’t even bother with Vice Presidents. I have a few stock answers that are almost sure to be incorrect. Mostly, I like to answer “James K. Polk” because it’s fun to say. Here’s an interesting tidbit for you though: Grover Cleveland was the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms. I know this because in fifth grade, I did a report on Benjamin Harrison, who served in between those terms. Would that that were my Final Jeopardy question. Ah, well.

When it comes to fictional presidents, two come to mind. Well, three, but I’ll tell you right now, I didn’t watch The West Wing. I have nothing against it, and I’m sure I’d love it if I did. But there it is. Someday I will, I’m sure. No, Jed Bartlet is not who I think of first. I first think of President Andrew Shepherd, portrayed by Michael Douglas in The American President. Interestingly, this was also penned by Andrew Sorkin and Martin Sheen plays the Chief of Staff. It’s so good. I mean, he’s just the President standing in front of a lobbyist, asking her to love him. Oh, wait…that’s Notting Hill.

Anyway, the other fake President I love is not really a President at all. In a Prince and the Pauper-like twist, the movie Dave has Dave Kovic, portrayed by Kevin Klein, taking the place of the President when he has a heart attack and goes into a coma. Don’t worry, he’s a terrible person, not to mention a bad President. But Dave gets in there and makes some real headway, balancing the budget to make room for homeless shelter programs (where is this guy when you need him?!). Until he gets tired of the corruption and fakes his death, though the real President does die. Then Dave returns to his regular life. But don’t feel bad, he and the dead President’s wife are in love.

Then there are so many other fake Presidents to remember: Bill Pullman’s President Whitmore from Independence Day, Harrison Ford’s President Marshall in Air Force One, Dennis Haysbert as President Palmer from 24, and who could forget James Naughton as President Davenport from First Kid. You know, I’m starting to realize why I don’t really know that much about actual Presidents. Perhaps I should go watch that John Addams miniseries.

It’s a Valentine’s Day miracle! The most amazing thing has happened. No, I didn’t run into Jonathan Taylor Thomas on the street, making him fall in love with me. And no, *NSYNC isn’t reuniting. And we all know I didn’t get a call to come in for a Jeopardy interview. But something about as amazing as all of those things was announced today. In the fall, Paper Mill Playhouse will be starting their season with a production of Newsies!!! And while it’s not Broadway, Paper Mill is a well-respected and amazing theatre in New Jersey. Holy crap.

I can’t really say why this is so amazing, but trust me, it is. Ever since I was little, I’ve loved Newsies. I was nine when it came out, and after that it was on Disney channel nonstop. The songs, the story, and the boys were all a part of my childhood. Newsies planted in my head that New York was cool, even in the days of child labor. Brooklyn was tough, and Spot Conlon was a hottie. That’s where I wanted to be, and that’s where I live now. Speaking of, where’s my Spot Conlon? I guess I don’t hang out at the docks enough. Maybe I should buy a sling shot.

Anyway, as soon as I heard this news (Ha! News.), there was one person I needed to share it with: my friend Katie. Katie and I are friends because of Newsies. To make a long story short, we went to different high schools and got in a fight at a Speech team tournament about whether one of my classmates looked like Spot (he didn’t). Then she invited me to go swing dancing. Because it was 1999, and we had a mutual love of Swing Kids, obvi. We’ve been friends ever since, and while our relationship is more than Christian Bale movies, that was the catalyst.

And so, come fall many worlds will collide. This old idea of New York I’ve had in my head since I was nine will meet my current life in New York. I’ll be able to share Newsies with Emily for our Vlog, and also share it once again with Katie, but in a much different way. So, no pressure Alan Menken and Harvey Fierstein, but this show better not suck. You’ve got my childhood, friendships, and life choices in your hands.

P.S. If you need someone to sing Patrick’s Mom in Carrying the Banner, I’d be more than happy to help!

Well, I can pretty much guarantee I’m not going to be on the next season of Jeopardy.

So, Jeopardy used to have “contestant searches,” where I’m assuming you would go to a conference center and take a written test. Then for a while, they also had a “Brain Bus” that would go to cities. You could play a game, and possibly qualify to take the test. Like the Cash Cab? (Dream Spoiler Alert: You can’t just “catch” the Cash Cab. You agree to appear on a TV show; you just don’t know it’s Cash Cab. Then the cab arrives to take you to wherever the producers told you to go.) But now, it’s all done online. And today was one of the online tests. And I failed it. I failed it like it was an Honors Physics test from junior year (Physics is Phun! Right, Doc I?).

Clearly, pop culture is one of my strengths, but I am a woman of diverse interests. I’m also pretty smart. And I’m also self-aware. I know my weaknesses. And when the first clue popped up (There are 50 clues, and you have 15 seconds per clue), my heart stopped. Something about an Algerian author. Crap. Africa. I hate to say this, but the entire continent of Africa is my weak spot. My weakest spot. I mean, I blame myself but I also blame our school system. What do we ever learn about Africa in general education classes. Pretty much nothing. Ummm…What is “I have no idea whatsoever”?

I did get a handful correct. One was a clue about Debussy. Being a music major, it would have been pretty unforgivable to get that one wrong. I also got the wordplay ones right, some Spanish translation and another about “raining cats and dogs.” Also, if you’re ever asked about a Swedish Actress, Ingrid Bergman will be the response. 95% of the time. I made up that statistic. The one I’m most proud of getting correct though came from another of my weak spots: the Bible. I know you’re shocked. But I got it right! Because the answer is in a song. Ha. The clue was about an archeologist wanting to find the site of a Biblical city where walls came down. Thanks, choir! What is “Jericho”?!

Unfortunately, there were many more clues like the Algerian author than Jericho, and I was just no match for Trebek and his Clue Crew. But I remembered a lot of the clues I couldn’t answer, looked them up, and now know. And here’s a map of Africa, just for good measure:

P.S I also hope they change the questions for the other online tests becuase I just gave away a lot of answers. Whoops.

I love game shows for two main reasons: I love to show off what I know or can do, and I love to get better and learn more.  I’ve been watching game shows and preparing to appear on some kind of game show my entire life.

Now, there are many games shows long gone that I would have been great at and would have loved to play.  Two old-timey favorites, Password and What’s My Line, have had unsuccessful revivals.  That’s because there’s no way you can match the charm of these gems from the era of black-and-white.  Betty White and Allen Ludden clearly in love on Password.  Debbie Reynolds making one of her many appearances as the celebrity mystery guest on What’s My Line.  The ladies all in dresses, and the men all in suits.  It’s adorable.  I try not to think about the reality of the time period (is Nat King Cole the only black celebrity?), or it tends to take away from the charm. 

Then there’s the ‘70s.  MATCH GAME!  Match Game is one of the most fun things to watch.  Ever.  Brett Somers and Charles Nelson Reilly misbehaving.  Gene Rayburn being super creepy.  Every silly poem had some sort of double entendre:

Mr. Johnson was so hungry.  How hungry was he? He was so hungry, he told his wife, “Don’t bother with the roast, I’ll just eat your ______.”

I totes made that one up, but it definitely would have gotten on the show.  And for the record, I was thinking “leftovers.”

The $10,000 Pyramid was also a ‘70s/’80s gem, with the prize money getting bigger and bigger as the cost of living went up with the years.  By the time it was the $25,000 Pyramid, I was preparing to be on it.  My family had game night after dinner every Sunday (I know, how quaint and Midwestern of us), and we had the board game version of Pyramid.  And we took it seriously.  If you’ve ever played a game with me, watch me play one with my family, and you’ll understand where I get it from.

I hate to bring up Nickelodeon again, but I loved all of their game shows from the ‘90s.  Their kids’ version of American Gladiators: GUTS, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Double Dare, Family Double Dare.  You name it, I wanted to be on it.  When I was in high school, my friend Robin and I would practice some of the challenges from Supermarket Sweep.  I don’t even think they were filming that show any more, but, damn, we would be ready if they were.

Now there are game shows disguised as reality shows.  You know, the ones that would be entered under the Emmy category Outstanding Reality-Competition Program.  Sure, you have cameras following you, and you live together.  They don’t do that on the Price is Right.  But it’s all part of the game.  Don’t you think the contestants on Shop ‘til You Drop would psych each other out if it meant they could get that $150 camera from Shutter Bug?  One of the best things about these “reality shows” is that they’re so skilled.  You need to be able to sing (hopefully) to be on American Idol, cook to be on Top Chef, listen to Tyra talk about herself to be on ANTM, make clothing out of hardware supplies to be on Project Runway, etc.  While I can only do one of these things (and it’s not listening to TyTy), I enjoy watching those who can and learning.  I now (sort of) know about haute couture, molecular gastronomy, and being ugly-pretty.  And all this knowledge I’ve gained is only preparing me for my ultimate game show goal:

I record this shit every day.  Yes, I took the online test.  No, they don’t tell you how you did.  I don’t feel I did terribly, but I don’t feel that it’s a sure thing.  What I do know is if I don’t get on the show (they have a year to contact you if you passed), that’s just more time for me to prepare.  So, if you know about the New Testament, Africa, or Art History, let me know.  I may need your help to fulfill my game show dream.