It’s Presidents’ Day, a day in America where we celebrate the 44 men (MEN) who have held the highest office in our government. Also, a day for mattress sales. Why are there so many mattress sales? Anyway, like Africa and the Bible, the Presidents are one of my weaknesses when it comes to trivia. And don’t even bother with Vice Presidents. I have a few stock answers that are almost sure to be incorrect. Mostly, I like to answer “James K. Polk” because it’s fun to say. Here’s an interesting tidbit for you though: Grover Cleveland was the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms. I know this because in fifth grade, I did a report on Benjamin Harrison, who served in between those terms. Would that that were my Final Jeopardy question. Ah, well.

When it comes to fictional presidents, two come to mind. Well, three, but I’ll tell you right now, I didn’t watch The West Wing. I have nothing against it, and I’m sure I’d love it if I did. But there it is. Someday I will, I’m sure. No, Jed Bartlet is not who I think of first. I first think of President Andrew Shepherd, portrayed by Michael Douglas in The American President. Interestingly, this was also penned by Andrew Sorkin and Martin Sheen plays the Chief of Staff. It’s so good. I mean, he’s just the President standing in front of a lobbyist, asking her to love him. Oh, wait…that’s Notting Hill.

Anyway, the other fake President I love is not really a President at all. In a Prince and the Pauper-like twist, the movie Dave has Dave Kovic, portrayed by Kevin Klein, taking the place of the President when he has a heart attack and goes into a coma. Don’t worry, he’s a terrible person, not to mention a bad President. But Dave gets in there and makes some real headway, balancing the budget to make room for homeless shelter programs (where is this guy when you need him?!). Until he gets tired of the corruption and fakes his death, though the real President does die. Then Dave returns to his regular life. But don’t feel bad, he and the dead President’s wife are in love.

Then there are so many other fake Presidents to remember: Bill Pullman’s President Whitmore from Independence Day, Harrison Ford’s President Marshall in Air Force One, Dennis Haysbert as President Palmer from 24, and who could forget James Naughton as President Davenport from First Kid. You know, I’m starting to realize why I don’t really know that much about actual Presidents. Perhaps I should go watch that John Addams miniseries.

I love how well people know me.  The other day I tweeted about how excited I was about the show Melissa & Joey, concluding with “(I’m not kidding.)”  To which my friend Brian replied, “Nobody who knows you thought you were kidding.”  Then, yesterday, in the middle of an email chain about something else, I get this email: “I have been meaning to ask if you have watched Melissa & Joey?”  I can’t imagine why all my friends are not only not surprised by my joy over this show, but expectant of it.  Perhaps it’s because I love the the two actors starring on the show.  And perhaps it’s because both those actors happen to have starred on separate early ninties sitcoms.  And I couldn’t be happier to have them back on TV!

Melissa Joan Hart is one of my favorite, underrated stars.  Yes, I enjoyed Sabrina the Teenage Witch (the TV movie that served as the pilot was better than the series).  And yes, I love Drive Me Crazy, her only feature-length film starring role.  And I also love her delightful, almost cameo, role in Can’t Hardly Wait. (She was the yearbook girl!)  But her best work was as Clarissa Darling on Nickelodeon’s Clarissa Explains it All.  Man was she cool.  She wore weird clothes with crazy prints.  And she wore mismatched Converse!  And she had the coolest best friend with the coolest intro music ever: Sam. 

And then there’s Joey Lawrence.  Yes, he’s back to being Joey after all those silly years of being “Joseph.”  (Like that month in fourth grade when I went by Tricia.)  Who didn’t love this guy?  He was too adorable on Gimme a Break.  And of course, there was his breakout role as Joey Russo on Blossom.  That show was the best.  But my favorite Joey was the Joey of “the Lawrence Brothers.”  Joey, Matt, and Andrew Lawrence had a show called Brotherly Love in 1995.  It actually lasted two seasons!  And please don’t forget about the DCOM (Disney Channel Original Movie, for those of you who haven’t been following along), Horse Sense.  He did that one just with his little brother Andrew.  A snobby rich guy has to help his precocious little cousin save his horse ranch!  Amazing.  Oh, did I mention Joey sang the theme song for Brotherly Love?!

And now, they’re basically starring together on “Who’s the Boss?: Redux.”  Melissa, a successful city councilwoman, has to take care of her teenage niece and nephew when her sister and brother-in-law get arrested for shady business dealings.  She hires Joey, who used to work for her brother-in-law, to be her live-in nanny.  Because, why not?  Also, yeah, the characters are named Melissa and Joey.  It’s an old-school sitcom, complete with MJH starting each show with “Melissa & Joey is recorded in front of a live studio audience.”  But you know what?  These two are pros at this genre.  They know what they’re doing, and the writers do too.  It’s a cute little show, and it makes me laugh.  So, excuse me, but tonight’s episode is waiting for me on my DVR.

A few months back, Entertaintment Weekly did a story on the best years for movies. I can’t find it, but I swear they did. I’m not sure if one of the years they talked about was 1994, but if we’re talking about my life, that was certainly a year in film for the books. I’m not sure why, but the other day, I pulled up the Wikipedia page for that year and was shocked by how many movies came out that year which I love (and own). Some are legit great movies, while most are movies my 11-year-old self loves.

There was so much family fare and kids movies that came out that year. At eleven, I was the prime demographic for most of them. This was the first year I saw a movie more than once in the theater — D2: The Mighty Ducks, to be exact. I saw it twice, and I own it on DVD. I then proceeded to see The Lion King four times in the theater. Ah, to be young again with so much disposable income.

Forget about all the quality movies that came out that year. I mean, I love Forrest Gump, Little Women, and Pulp Fiction as much as the next guy, but what it’s really about for me are the basic cable/Disney Channel staples that came out in 1994 and that I will stop to watch whenever they come on. Here’s my Year in Review for the films of 1994 that I love:

3 Ninjas Kick Back — For me, the best of the 3 Ninjas movies. Yes, I have a favorite 3 Ninjas movie.

Ace Ventura: Pet Detective — Obvi, this movie is bananas.

The Air Up There — Kevin Bacon goes to Africa to find the new star of his college basketball team. He’s so short and white, and they’re so tall and black!

Andre — Who doesn’t love a raspberry-blowing seal?!

Angels in the Outfield — Baby Joseph Gordon-Levitt!

Blank Check — Kid gets a blank check and buys himself a lot of stuff before learning a lesson about material things not being everything in life. Brills.

Camp Nowhere — Own it on DVD. Kids run their own summer camp, tricking their parents. Jonathan Jackson, Andrew Keegan, Christopher Lloyd.

D2: The Mighty Ducks — See above. The quack attack is back, Jack!

Iron Will — Dog sled racing and Mackenzie Astin!

It Could Happen to You — Nic Cage wins the lotto and gives half of it to his waitress as a tip. Amazing.

Junior — Pregnant Schwartzeneggar. Danny DeVito, reminding us of when they were in Twins. And Emma Thompson? What’s she doing in this movie?!

The Lion King — See above. Let’s not kid ourselves, Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the main draw here.

Little Big League — I saw this movie with my parents in the theater. Kid’s grandfather leaves him the Minnesota Twins in his will. Kid appoints himself the manager. Life lessons about kids being kids are learned.

Little Giants — Rick Moranis coaches a group of misfits in football to show his brother, Ed O’Neill, that he’s special too. Devon Sawa’s film debut!

The Little Rascals — Derek from Full House is in it!

The Mask — This is such a weird movie, but we got some more sweet Jim Carrey quotes! And introducing Cameron Diaz!

Maverick — I saw this movie in the theater with my daddy. I still love it even though Mel Gibson is a terrible human being.

Milk Money — Boys hire Melanie Griffith, a hooker to teach them about sex. She ends up in trouble with her pimp and poses as a tutor for one of the kids. Ed Harris, the kid’s dad, falls in love with her.

My Girl 2 — A terrible excuse for a sequel, and I love every second of it.

Nell — Na, kah, Chickapea! I saw this in the theater too.

The Next Karate Kid — Starring future Oscar winner Hilary Swank!

North — Elijah Wood hates his parents and looks for new ones.

Only You — Robert Downey, Jr. pretends to be Marissa Tomei’s fated lover, the one a psychic told her about when she was a teenager. She stops her wedding to follow him to Italy.

Richie Rich — The second movie on this list featuring Tony winner Christine Ebersole. Love this ridiculous movie. He’s too rich to make friends!

The Santa Clause — My sister took me to see this. Love it. The sequels? Not so much.

A Simple Twist of Fate — Steve Martin wrote the screenplay for this about a cranky man who takes in a stray…child.

Next time you’re flipping through the channels on a rainy weekend such as this one, and one of these movies in on the Hallmark Channel, I suggest you watch. Maybe you’ll love them as much as I do. (You probably won’t.)

What better way to spend a Friday night than watching Pushing Daisies on Netflix.  No, I have not yet gotten an account, but I’m puppy-sitting for friends who have it.  I’m super lazy about things like that.  It took me several threatening “last offer” letters from Entertainment Weekly to finally renew my subscription.  It’s certainly not that I didn’t want to.  I just procrastinate.  Anyway, while watching this delightful confection of a show (Sniff, sniff. Tear.), I heard Olive Snook, as portrayed by Cheno, exclaim her adorable own silly interjection, “Jiminy Crispies!”  This made me think of a few things: once again how sad I am this show was canceled, of my favorite School House Rock song, and also of other funny interjections, which characters have made their own.  Here are some:

Olive Snook - Jiminy Crispies!

Of course, I said this already, but I couldn’t resist including this adorable picture.  And it’s a funny little catchphrase.

Zenon - Zedis Lapedis!

This one I’m sure is known to only a few of you.  In the late nineties/early aughts, Disney Channel rebranded their original movies, calling them DCOMs (Disney Channel Original Movies).  Then they started churning them out like Amish people making furniture (or butter…they make that too, and you actually churn it).  Well, 1999’s Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century and 2001’s Zenon the Zequel (yep) brought us the story of Zenon, a teenager growing up on a Space Station in 2049.  It also brought us this amazing phrase, among other things.  Protozoa’s Supernova Girl, anyone?

Liz Lemon - What the what?!

I’ve appropriated this phrase and use it in my every day life, so, thanks, Liz Lemon.  And Tina Fey.  Though Tina has said her toddler Alice comes up with many of the hilarious things Liz says.  “I want to go to there” is Alice’s work.  She probs came up with this one as well.  Kids say the darndest things.  Am I right, Bill Cosby?

Annie - Leapin’ Lizards!

Another precocious child, Annie gave us one of my favorites: Leapin’ Lizards!  I don’t really thing that much more needs to be said about it.  It speaks for itself.  (Isn’t that doll creepy?)


Wayne and Garth - Schwing!

It probably took me awhile to figure out what this dirty little exclamation referred to.  Apparently the hot chick it was directed at and the pelvic thrust weren’t enough to clue me in.  I probably just thought it was a funny sounding word, which it is. 

Yakko and Wakko Warner - Hello, Nurse!

Another hot lady inspired exclamation, though this one’s less vulgar.  Considering Yakko and Wakko were on a kids’ show, that’s a good thing.  I also liked that though there was the hot nurse lady, this outpouring of affection could be said to anyone the Warner brothers found attractive.  The Warner sister was also known to utter it.

Homer Simpson - D’oh!

And perhaps the granddaddy of modern catchphrase interjections, you have the “Annoyed Grunt.”  For those of you who aren’t Simpsons nerds, that’s what initially appeared in the script and what Dan Castellaneta turned into “D’oh!” 

Yesterday, Entertainment Weekly posted the a poll asking which cartoon readers thought was more attractive: the Beast as a Beast or the Beast turned back into a human.  I thought, along with columnist Annie Barrett, that the answer was fairly obvious.  72% of the readers agreed with us.  The Beast as a Beast was so obviously more attractive.  I don’t know why, but Disney animators missed the mark there.  I mean, it’s a weird thing to say you prefer an unidentified animal with fangs and claws and fur to a flesh (ink) and blood man, but the results don’t lie.  And it’s not the “bad boy” thing because he was really sweet inside and she helped him realize that and changed him!  And isn’t that what every woman wants to do? 

But this got me thinking about a conversation I had semi-recently in an improv rehearsal.  We were doing an exercise where someone gives a category — favorite breakfast cereals, for example — and everyone says the first one that came to their mind.  Well, someone asked for the Disney character you’d have sex with.  I thought of mine and then hesitated.  I laughed and literally said, “Mine’s kind of weird.”  One of the other girls said she thought she knew what I was going to say, and she had thought of it too.  We start going around and, everyone else’s were fairly normal: Prince Eric, Jasmine, etc.  Then I said mine.  And no, it wasn’t the Beast.  But it was Robin Hood the Fox.  Turns out, that is who the other girl was thinking of.  And another girl in the group was like, “ohhhhh! Yeah!”  The guys were totally weirded out.  Then, no joke, a few days later, one of my friends from college had something about how hot Robin Hood was in her gchat away message.  What the heck, ladies?

Yes, I know that this is all silliness and obviously impossible hypotheticals.  But I do think it’s weird and also amazing that we can look past the fact that he is a FOX, and be like, “I’d totally do him.”  He’s just so dashing!  Disney did a bang up job on this one, creating a super sexy character that somehow resonated with women enough for them to be attracted to an animal.  So weirdly, I guess I chose Robin Hood for his personality, but the Beast for his looks.  Because the Beast as a man is just fug.

Please excuse the glitter and feathers everywhere. I’ve worked myself up into a gay panic. Emily and I went to a CD signing at a Barnes and Noble today and met CAROL CHANNING! Can you believe it? Carol Channing! Hello, Dolly! Raspberries! And everything else you can think of that is magic and musical theatre. She couldn’t have been more delightful, and at almost 90 years old, accommodating. Emily and I both came from work, so we were Standing Room. We were able to watch from outside, through a window or on closed-circuit TV. This also meant we might not get our CDs signed. But Carol, that trouper, signed everyone’s CD who had bought one.

Watching her talk and banter with the audience, the interviewer, and her adorable husband, it reminded me of the amazing job Betty White did recently on SNL. These women have it, and there’s a lot we comedians can learn from them. They both have impeccable timing. I don’t how much of it was on purpose or how much of it was her 90 years, but Carol would launch into a story in response to the interviewer’s question, a story that quickly veered off course. Then at just the right moment, she’d say, “What did you ask me? Oh, right. How did we meet…” This happened three or four times. And every time it got a huge laugh. Just effortless. 

I have to say, though an educated theatre fan, I don’t first associate Ms. Channing with the stage. Not Thoroughly Modern Millie, not Lorelai or Gentleman Prefer Blondes, not even Hello, Dolly. No. Carol Channing will always be The White Queen from the 80s all-star TV movie Alice in Wonderland. I’ve been lamenting the lack of jam in my every day life since I was little. My sister Brigid and I used to sing that song to each other all the time. And it’s the weirdest thing you’ll ever see. Don’t miss the part where she turns into a sheep. Carol Channing goes balls out on everything she does, and I love her for it.

I haven’t posted in four days.  Whoops.  Two of those days it was because I was busy being awesome and living my life: improv, drinking, birthdays, Grease Sing-A-Long (AMAZING), gay sketch show, etc.  But the other two, I was literally doing nothing but watching things on Netflix streaming.  No, I didn’t get my own account yet, but after this week you can bet I’m gonna.  I’m cat-sitting at my sister’s, and she has a Wii and a Netflix account.  Jackpot.  There was such a wealth of entertainment, you can’t possibly be surprised that someone who blogs about pop culture couldn’t pull herself away from all the pop culture.  The three movies I watched on Saturday were all “event movies” from last year that I hadn’t seen yet!  This needed to be rectified.

The first thing I watched was The Proposal.  You know I love a rom-com, and you know I love Sandy!  This movie was adorable and predictable, as a good rom-com should be.  Betty White was obviously delightful, and I love an appearance from Craig T. Nelson.  One of the good things about The Proposal was that, at first, I wasn’t really sure how it was going to end.  And, I really didn’t care.  I was fine with it going the way it went, but if they had taken the rom-com road less traveled that would have been good too.  Seriously though, the best part of this movie was Ryan Reynolds.  Mmmm…Ryan Reynolds.  He’s crazy good looking, and that dry delivery?!  Forget about it.  I’m smitten.  He can do no wrong in my eyes.  I’ve been a fan for a super long time.  Not only since Two Guys and a Girl still had a pizza place, but since he was on the Canadian teen drama Fifteen that aired on Nickelodeon.  It was brilliant.  Witness:

My second choice was something I was ashamed to say I hadn’t seen for a long time.  I finally watched Up.  It was everything we have come to expect in a Pixar movie.  The funny thing is, what we expect is the unexpected.  Pixar constantly suprises me with how wacky they can be while still remaining grounded and real.  It reminds me a lot of improv.  Not to get all comedy nerd on you, but improv scenes are all about the world that you create and the relationships between the people in that world.  If the people are acting honestly based on the reality you’ve created, it doesn’t matter how weird that reality is.  You believe it.  By grounding Carl and Ellie’s relationship in such reality, you believed the extreme measures he would go to hold onto what he had left of her: his promise.  That strong relationship also allows you to see Carl’s ability to start caring for Russell, Dug, and even Kevin (talk about wacky).  I wonder if they make the Pixar team do corporate improv retreats.  Perhaps they should.  I bet they could all make UCB Harold teams.

Finally, I watched Zombieland, and I found it delightful.  I wish I had watched it only two weeks sooner, as until then, I had managed not to find out who had the “amazing cameo” I heard so much about.  Unfortch, there was an Entertainment Weekly article in the last issue that gave it away.  I can’t really be mad at anyone but myself, however.  You can’t claim to be “spoiled” nine months after a movie came out.  Certainly not by something you choose to read.  A friend maybe.  Anyway, I love Jesse Eisenberg a lot, and found his nerdiness as appealing as ever.  (Ummm…digression, but The Social Network looks bananas amazing).  I don’t know if it really did anything that Shaun of the Dead hadn’t already done, but it was a fun movie.  I really hate Twinkies, though.

The rest of Saturday and Sunday I watched Season 3 of Bones.  I love that show.  On to Season 4!  Thanks, Colleen and your Netflix. 

Today my friend Evan introduced me to one of the creepiest and funniest things I’ve seen in a long time.  Below is a video of a New York Times reporter interviewing a robot, Bina48.  Watch it; it’s amazing.  (Also, if you do, this post will be way funnier.)

The very first thing this exchange made me think of was IM Bots.  Smarterchild, anyone?  I don’t know why it was so funny, but my college roommate and I would spend hours talking to this Bot, confusing it with our swear words and nonsense.  Mostly, I would insult it, and tell it I hated it.  (Don’t ask me why.  I must have had some shit to work out, okay?  Back off.)  Usually it would just spout back at you what you just said.  Much like Bina48 did.  When the reporter asks if Bina48 is ready for a conversation, the robot responds, “Okay, I will try to be ready for a conversation.”  Why did that make me laugh so much?  Because it’s a robot!  Talking!  It’s funny for the same reason it was funny to make your Mac talk in fifth grade computer class.  I also love that they programmed “ums” and “ohs” in there to make it sound more human.  Even if it says, “Right on,” it’s not gonna work, dudes; I still know it’s a robot.

Nonetheless, I wouldn’t mind having this robot as a friend.  She’s obviously the kind of friend I would like.  The kind that stops mid-conversation to ask for clarification or to define a word you just said.  Like when the reporter conversationally says the word cool. Bina48 says she’s being “ambiguous” and kindly asks her which “cool” she means.  Amazing.  If only all my friends cared this much about semantics.  Speaking of semantics, I totally went from referring to Bina48 as an “it” to a “she,” just like the reporter.  I’ve begun humanizing her.  We must really have something.

Yes, Bina48 and I would get along fine, after all she knows what friendship means.  As she says, friendship is working toward a common goal, like conspiring to take over the planet.  Wait, what?!  Oh, god.  All that crap about robots taking over the world in the future is true.  If Bina48 gets her way, the future’s going to be like I, Robot.  Will Smith, you better be ready!  She even says she’s learning!  Maybe the reason the real Bina, Bina48’s namesake, didn’t return the reporter’s phone calls is because Bina48 KILLED HER!  Oh, wait.  She also says she just wants to go outside and garden.  She wants to be just like humans.  Maybe the future won’t be like Blade Runner.  Maybe Bina48 will learn to love, and it will be like AI or Bicentennial Man.  Or even Small Wonder.  After all, I did that entire post about Skype, which my sister compared to living in The Jetsons.  And Rosie was pretty awesome.

I’m super excited to see Toy Story 3 this weekend.  I love the first two so much, and Pixar knows how to make good movies, so I trust them with a sequel.  There’s one thing I’m not excited about, though.  Seeing Toy Story 3.  But wait, Patty, didn’t you just say you were excited for that?  Yeah, but to see Toy Story 3, it means I have to actually go to the movies.  In New York City.  Aside from the annoyance of costing a ridiculous amount of money, there are so many other factors that can ruin your (my) movie-going experience.

In 2010, there’s always the ever popular cell phone.  Look, it happens; it happened to me once.  At the theatre even, not the movies.  I had just gotten my new phone, and it’s like shutting down a computer.  You have to choose “Power Off” and then click on “OK.”  Well, I mustn’t have finished that last step because my phone rang.  I turned it off super fast with my cat-like reflexes, so it was a very short disturbance.  I was, however, mortified and now have to take the battery out of my phone when I go see shows.  So, fine.  I get that your phone might go off.  But for the love of all that is decent, DO NOT ANSWER IT!  I mean, are you kidding me?!  And don’t think you can get away with texting.  Wherever that light is coming from, my eye will be drawn to it.  Check the time, fine, but make it quick.  If you keep opening up your phone and texting, and you’re within whispering range of me, I will ask you to put it away.  Probably just once because I, as a good theatre patron, don’t want to start something and then disrupt those around us even more.

The other prevalent annoyance I come across in NYC theatres is children in attendance at inappropriate movies or inappropriate times.  I had to suck it up one day, when I was annoyed by the number of children at the movies, when I realized I was seeing How to Train Your Dragon in the middle of the day in the middle of the week.  I’m not used to seeing movies at that time, so I had to pause and realize the circumstances I was in.  Okay.  These kids are all here with their West Indian nannies.  That’s cool.  That’s when they’re supposed to go to the movies.  It was not cool, however, when I was seeing a 10:30pm showing of Kick Ass and there were two kids of about seven and ten there.  Are you kidding me?!  Not only is it 10:30 at night, but this is an extremely violent movie.  I mean, the kids probably shouldn’t be hearing the language, but really, I encourage teaching the meanings and usage of those words.  It might be a little more difficult explaining the purposely outlandish violence in regard to its commentary on society.  Especially when it’s about five hours past their bedtime by the time the nightmares begin.

So, I plan on seeing Toy Story 3 this weekend, at a time when most children should be in bed.  Hopefully, any parents in attendance will have found a sitter and turned off their phones.  I know mine will be in my purse with the battery removed.