The Definition of Pop Culture

line \ˈlīn\ n : a number of persons standing one behind the other and waiting their turns at or for something; queue.

Tue, 16 Aug 2011 17:36:49 -0400

I’ve heard this question many times in my life: “You waited how long?” Followed by the inevitable: “Was it worth it?” And honestly, I don’t know that I’ve ever answered that question in the negative. I’ve waited for many an hour on many a line for my pop culture, and it’s totally worth it.

Most recently, I probably waited the longest I ever have on line, outside even, for Standing Room Only tickets to The Book of Mormon. Yes, not only did Emily and I wait eleven hours for tickets to a show we’d already seen, but the tickets we were waiting for entitled us to stand in the back of the theatre for the duration. No seats, no backrest. Just our feet and the seat-backs in front of us to lean on. And it was 100%, no doubt about it, worth it. I obviously knew the show would be worth it. But the wait itself was part of the fun:

Waiting on line is just like going on a roadtrip. Sure, it gets a little uncomfortable, sometimes boring, and long. But just like a roadtrip, you have to be prepared. Bring activities! Dress appropriately! Start sing-alongs! (You’d think this wouldn’t go over well, but since most of my line-waiting is music related, no one usually throws things at me.) And bring good company. Of course, if you go by yourself, make friends! When you’re waiting on line for something, all the other people on that line want it just as badly as you. They’re your people! Some of them are going to be weirdos, obviously, (I mean, I’m a weirdo), but some of them are going to be awesome. And even if you never talk to them again, you will always have this line.

I’ve waited on line for Broadway shows (obvi), signings (BBMak, Carol Channing, Patti LuPone), comedy shows (UCB), drag queens (Drag Race), midnight movie releases (HP), concerts (Adam Lambert), rollercoasters (Kingda Ka), after parties (*NSYNC), and screenings (HP), among other things. I even waited in line for a Harry Potter book release and wasn’t even buying the book. (I’m a fancypants and ordered the UK publications from Amazon.) So, if you’d rather take a plane somewhere or pay for the luxury of a seat, I’ll meet you on the other side. And while I’m waiting for you, I’ll pass the time with a good round of “Going on a Picnic.”

providence \ˈprä-və-dən(t)s, -ˌden(t)s\ n : the foreseeing care and guidance of god or nature over the creatures of the earth

Tue, 28 Jun 2011 21:32:20 -0400

This weekend, my improv group, Dumpster Tequila, went on a road trip. And I have to say, it was just magical. In improv, there’s a thing called “group mind,” which is when everyone in the group is so linked in their collective consciousness, they instinctively know what moves the others are going to make. Well, it’s like Providence and Dumpster Tequila had developed some sort of group mind. We knew where to go, and it knew where to take us.

After enjoying a delicious breakfast in NYC, we hopped on the bus to Providence (after the Aaron Carter dance party in line, of course). Many rounds of Scrabble and road trip games ensued, and of course we got yelled at for being too loud. Sorry ‘bout it. Anyway, it quickly came to my attention that, though I was the one who brought it up in the planning of the trip, I hadn’t brought my bathing suit, while mostly everyone else had. You guys, I love swimming. I was devastated. But wouldn’t you know it, there was a mall within walking distance of our hotel (Providence!).

Everyone knows bathing suit shopping sucks balls. And this was no exception. There was barely anything for me to try on. At the second store I went to, I was about to settle for an ugly, too-expensive mom bathing suit, when I saw it. Right by the register, shining like a blue beacon. An adorable suit in my size that was ten dollars cheaper. After a quick trip to the dressing room, where it obviously fit, I bought it, only to find out it was on sale (Providence!).

After a delicious dinner in a fun bar with a weirdo painting of dead musical legends in a Last Supper-like pose (a smiling Kurt Cobain next to John Lennon with Biggie standing nearby), we took our swim. Later that night, we had a great show, but little did we know, the best was yet to come. As we came out of the beautiful theatre, we heard music. Not just any music, but…a marching band? Sure enough, we rounded the corner and saw a huge group of people spilling into the street being lead by a brass band. We quickly followed them into a park and were treated to an amazing impromptu encore by a band (we later found out) called What Cheer? Brigade. We stuck around dancing (though not as joyously as the band’s fans) until the cops came. It was maybe one of the coolest things I’ve been a part of (Providence!).

Sunday, after a delicious brunch, we stumbled upon an amazing art project done by a group called Tape Art for the 375th anniversary of the city. They are making a mural inside an outdoor ice rink out of tape and plywood. We took lots of pictures and talked to the artists. They work on their pieces for weeks, but once complete, they’re only up for twenty-four hours. This will be done tomorrow and gone by Thursday. How lucky we got to see it (Providence!).

And after walking around seeing all the old houses, Brown University (No, Emma Watson doesn’t go there anymore), and the State House, our perfect road trip had to come to a perfect end. And even the most perfect road trip isn’t without its setbacks. Our three and a half hour bus trip home? It took five and a half hours. Thanks, Providence!

excitement \ik-ˈsīt-mənt\ n : 1. an excited state or condition 2. something that excites

Thu, 23 Jun 2011 17:38:00 -0400

Obligatory reference to how long it’s been since I’ve blogged.

Now that that’s out of the way, on to more important things. Words cannot even
describe how excited I am. After almost twenty years of hope and several months of planning, yesterday I bought tickets to see the stage show of Newsies. I blogged about this two posts ago (which was four months ago :-/), but now it’s actually happening. In October, Emily, my Newsies friend Katie, my sister Maureen, and I will be seeing the Working Boys of New York live on stage.

One of the best parts of all of this — from Disney announcing they were working on a stage version, to Paper Mill announcing their fall season, to me announcing I bought my tickets — is the reaction of my friends. Everyone is so happy for ME. Not for Disney, not for Alan Menken, not even for the actors who were cast in the show. Me. There are so many comments of “It’s finally happening for you!,” and “Enjoy!,” and “You’ve wanted this for so long!” But mostly people are saying, “I hope for their sake it’s good, because I wouldn’t want to see you if it’s bad.” And I can’t say that I blame them.

I recently saw Sister Act the Musical on Broadway. Now I love the movies (yes both of them). But I can’t say I loved the musical. And I had been really excited for it. I ended up seeing it twice (the first time for free), and while I enjoyed it more the second time, it still didn’t hit for me. They made so many changes I felt were unnecessary. Some were just baffling, like moving the story to 1970s Philadelphia. And some made me really angry, like the way the services turned into a cheap stage show, instead of just becoming refreshingly modern. If the changes to Sister Act could get me this upset, I can only imagine what damage could be done to Newsies.

So, here are some things I would like to see in the Newsies stage show:

*Tighten up the ending; it’s weird.

*Either expand or remove the Sarah character. And get an actress who can act.

*Keep as true to the choreography as possible. Or just hire Kenny Ortega.

*I would be fine with getting rid of Medda and her songs.

*For god’s sake, keep the Prologue.

*Amazing new songs.

*Someone singing the shit out of Patrick’s Mother’s solo.

*Magic/Children smoking.

Don’t screw it up, or I’ll soak ya!

chief \ˈchēf\ n : the head or leader of an organized body of people; the person highest in authority

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 22:20:07 -0500

It’s Presidents’ Day, a day in America where we celebrate the 44 men (MEN) who have held the highest office in our government. Also, a day for mattress sales. Why are there so many mattress sales? Anyway, like Africa and the Bible, the Presidents are one of my weaknesses when it comes to trivia. And don’t even bother with Vice Presidents. I have a few stock answers that are almost sure to be incorrect. Mostly, I like to answer “James K. Polk” because it’s fun to say. Here’s an interesting tidbit for you though: Grover Cleveland was the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms. I know this because in fifth grade, I did a report on Benjamin Harrison, who served in between those terms. Would that that were my Final Jeopardy question. Ah, well.

When it comes to fictional presidents, two come to mind. Well, three, but I’ll tell you right now, I didn’t watch The West Wing. I have nothing against it, and I’m sure I’d love it if I did. But there it is. Someday I will, I’m sure. No, Jed Bartlet is not who I think of first. I first think of President Andrew Shepherd, portrayed by Michael Douglas in The American President. Interestingly, this was also penned by Andrew Sorkin and Martin Sheen plays the Chief of Staff. It’s so good. I mean, he’s just the President standing in front of a lobbyist, asking her to love him. Oh, wait…that’s Notting Hill.

Anyway, the other fake President I love is not really a President at all. In a Prince and the Pauper-like twist, the movie Dave has Dave Kovic, portrayed by Kevin Klein, taking the place of the President when he has a heart attack and goes into a coma. Don’t worry, he’s a terrible person, not to mention a bad President. But Dave gets in there and makes some real headway, balancing the budget to make room for homeless shelter programs (where is this guy when you need him?!). Until he gets tired of the corruption and fakes his death, though the real President does die. Then Dave returns to his regular life. But don’t feel bad, he and the dead President’s wife are in love.

Then there are so many other fake Presidents to remember: Bill Pullman’s President Whitmore from Independence Day, Harrison Ford’s President Marshall in Air Force One, Dennis Haysbert as President Palmer from 24, and who could forget James Naughton as President Davenport from First Kid. You know, I’m starting to realize why I don’t really know that much about actual Presidents. Perhaps I should go watch that John Addams miniseries.

love \ˈləv\ n : strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 21:22:00 -0500

It’s a Valentine’s Day miracle! The most amazing thing has happened. No, I didn’t run into Jonathan Taylor Thomas on the street, making him fall in love with me. And no, *NSYNC isn’t reuniting. And we all know I didn’t get a call to come in for a Jeopardy interview. But something about as amazing as all of those things was announced today. In the fall, Paper Mill Playhouse will be starting their season with a production of Newsies!!! And while it’s not Broadway, Paper Mill is a well-respected and amazing theatre in New Jersey. Holy crap.

I can’t really say why this is so amazing, but trust me, it is. Ever since I was little, I’ve loved Newsies. I was nine when it came out, and after that it was on Disney channel nonstop. The songs, the story, and the boys were all a part of my childhood. Newsies planted in my head that New York was cool, even in the days of child labor. Brooklyn was tough, and Spot Conlon was a hottie. That’s where I wanted to be, and that’s where I live now. Speaking of, where’s my Spot Conlon? I guess I don’t hang out at the docks enough. Maybe I should buy a sling shot.

Anyway, as soon as I heard this news (Ha! News.), there was one person I needed to share it with: my friend Katie. Katie and I are friends because of Newsies. To make a long story short, we went to different high schools and got in a fight at a Speech team tournament about whether one of my classmates looked like Spot (he didn’t). Then she invited me to go swing dancing. Because it was 1999, and we had a mutual love of Swing Kids, obvi. We’ve been friends ever since, and while our relationship is more than Christian Bale movies, that was the catalyst.

And so, come fall many worlds will collide. This old idea of New York I’ve had in my head since I was nine will meet my current life in New York. I’ll be able to share Newsies with Emily for our Vlog, and also share it once again with Katie, but in a much different way. So, no pressure Alan Menken and Harvey Fierstein, but this show better not suck. You’ve got my childhood, friendships, and life choices in your hands.

P.S. If you need someone to sing Patrick’s Mom in Carrying the Banner, I’d be more than happy to help!

fail \ˈfāl\ v : 1. to fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approved 2. to receive less than the passing grade or mark in an examination, class, or course of study

Tue, 08 Feb 2011 22:26:00 -0500

Well, I can pretty much guarantee I’m not going to be on the next season of Jeopardy.

So, Jeopardy used to have “contestant searches,” where I’m assuming you would go to a conference center and take a written test. Then for a while, they also had a “Brain Bus” that would go to cities. You could play a game, and possibly qualify to take the test. Like the Cash Cab? (Dream Spoiler Alert: You can’t just “catch” the Cash Cab. You agree to appear on a TV show; you just don’t know it’s Cash Cab. Then the cab arrives to take you to wherever the producers told you to go.) But now, it’s all done online. And today was one of the online tests. And I failed it. I failed it like it was an Honors Physics test from junior year (Physics is Phun! Right, Doc I?).

Clearly, pop culture is one of my strengths, but I am a woman of diverse interests. I’m also pretty smart. And I’m also self-aware. I know my weaknesses. And when the first clue popped up (There are 50 clues, and you have 15 seconds per clue), my heart stopped. Something about an Algerian author. Crap. Africa. I hate to say this, but the entire continent of Africa is my weak spot. My weakest spot. I mean, I blame myself but I also blame our school system. What do we ever learn about Africa in general education classes. Pretty much nothing. Ummm…What is “I have no idea whatsoever”?

I did get a handful correct. One was a clue about Debussy. Being a music major, it would have been pretty unforgivable to get that one wrong. I also got the wordplay ones right, some Spanish translation and another about “raining cats and dogs.” Also, if you’re ever asked about a Swedish Actress, Ingrid Bergman will be the response. 95% of the time. I made up that statistic. The one I’m most proud of getting correct though came from another of my weak spots: the Bible. I know you’re shocked. But I got it right! Because the answer is in a song. Ha. The clue was about an archeologist wanting to find the site of a Biblical city where walls came down. Thanks, choir! What is “Jericho”?!

Unfortunately, there were many more clues like the Algerian author than Jericho, and I was just no match for Trebek and his Clue Crew. But I remembered a lot of the clues I couldn’t answer, looked them up, and now know. And here’s a map of Africa, just for good measure:

P.S I also hope they change the questions for the other online tests becuase I just gave away a lot of answers. Whoops.

harmony \ˈhär-mə-nē\ n : a consistent, orderly, or pleasing arrangement of parts; congruity

Mon, 07 Feb 2011 22:35:26 -0500

Hey y’all. I’m back. Sorry about the laziness. Oprah’s trying to help me through it, but I’m really stubborn.

Anyway, there has been a lot of crazy pop culture happening lately: the Super Bowl and all it included (hang in there, Xtina!), blizzards, Ricky Gervais at the Globes, etc. But tonight, I want to talk about two of my favorite things, which have come together so perfectly I couldn’t be a happier hag. Of course, those two things are ANTM and RuPaul’s Drag Race.

Now, I was super super excited for Drag Race to be back. It’s hard to put into words how much I love that show. And imagine my surprise and delight, when watching the casting special, I realized that one of the contestants is none other than Sutan (Drag name: Raja), the make-up artist from Top Model! And Adam Lambert was in her audition video! Fabulous! Sutan had appeared as Raja on Top Model at least once before, maybe twice. And it was clear in that first episode she was going to do Tyra proud.

What a better way to learn how to be a great drag queen than from ANTM? Take a look at cycle 14, where Tyra herself wore nothing but jumpsuits. No seriously, take a look. They’re all on this Web site. Tell me she doesn’t look like a drag queen in half of those pictures. And her tuck isn’t even that good. Not to mention all the drag queen-esque contestants, including Jaeda (Remember her? Awful) and one winner: Jaslene “Cha-cha Diva.”

Here’s the best part of the whole thing: if (when) Raja wins, she’ll be far more present in entertainment than any of the Top Models. I’m not saying they’re not successful, but with the exception of “Top Models in Action,” have you ever seen one of their CoverGirl commercials? And remember when they started doing the double covers of Seventeen? The ANTM winner on one side and Selena Gomez or whoever on the other. But I see info on shows past drag racers are doing all the time. And the Absolut ads are on Logo continuously. Why doesn’t the CW run the models CG ads like that? Who knows.

Maybe Cycle 16 (Yes. 16!), starting February 23rd, will finally give us a “Top Model,” who can lend her pretty face to some actor’s love life and political causes. Plus shoot a Disney TV movie (Life Size, anyone?). And maybe Cycle 16 will bring one last Raja appearance before she got too big even for Tyra.

unsuitable \ˌənˈsü-tə-bəl\ adj : not suitable; inappropriate; unfitting; unbecoming

Tue, 14 Dec 2010 22:29:00 -0500

So, the Golden Globes nominations were announced today. You know I love awards shows; I don’t really know why, but I do. I was pretty excited about it, but then I saw the nominees. They were pretty wacky, but there are really just two things I want to address in this post. And both of those have to do with the fact that Burlesque was nominated for Best Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy. Yes, Burlesque. You know, the one I saw in a theater full of gays, who alternated between clapping at Cher’s singing/wigs and laughing at the terrible dialogue and acting. It could win a Golden Globe.

My first issue with this is the category itself. For Suri Cruise’s sake, why are musicals and comedies lumped together, Hollywood Foreign Press Association?! This is not the 1940s. The “Musical Comedy” is still a thing, yes, but it’s now only part of a growing genre that includes Genre Musicals, Rock Operas, and Jukebox Musicals, all of which could be either dramtic or comedic. Sometimes, HFPA, they’re both! Just like other movies! Let’s take a look, shall we, at some other musicals nominated for Golden Globes and what their competition was:

1983: Yentl won, beating The Big Chill, Flashdance, Trading Places, and Zelig
1996: Evita won, beating The Birdcage, Everyone Says I Love You, Fargo, and Jerry Maguire
2001: Moulin Rouge! won, beating Bridget Jones’s Diary, Gosford Park, Legally Blonde, and Shrek
2007: Sweeney Todd won, beating Across the Universe, Charlie Wilson’s War, Hairspray, and Juno

So, I’m not saying those movies weren’t deserving or weren’t better than those that they beat, but if you’re going to categorize movies by Drama or Comedy, go all the ‘effing way! Hairspray and Everyone Says I Love You? Those fit in the comedy category, if you ask me. The four winners? Not so much. Burlesque, unless you’re talking about how unintentionally comical it was, doesn’t belong in this category either.

Of course, it doesn’t really deserve to be nominated at all. I mean, I’m not saying that this movie wasn’t amazing and that I didn’t love it, because it was and I did. But there’s a difference between a movie being good and being quality. Quality it was not. Two of the songs were nominated, and I’m all for that. One, written by pop balladeer extraordinaire Diane Warren, fit into the movie about as well as the movie fit into this category. But it was a great song, and Cher did her amazing Cher thing with it. Unfortunately, as a movie, its spot should have been taken by some other movie. I can’t speak for the other nominees, as I didn’t see them (though I have it on good lesbian authority — by two different lesbians — that The Kids Are All Right was terrible). But I can tell you Burlesque’s slot could have been given to any number of other movies. For example, HFPA loves an adult rom-com. How about Date Night? Or for a little edge, what about Kick-Ass. That movie was amazing. Or even a Hangover-esque shocker in nominating Hot Tub Time Machine? I mean, if you’re going to nominate a ridiculous movie, at least make it one that was supposed to be hilarious. And on that note, I leave you with this scene from Burlesque. Try not to laugh:

highlight \ˈhī-ˌlīt\ n : an important, conspicuous, memorable, or enjoyable event, scene, part, or the like

Mon, 29 Nov 2010 22:17:25 -0500

I have been bad. It’s been almost two weeks since my last post. Fail. Sorry, dudes. I’ve experienced so much pop culture since then, I’m going to give you the highlights. As I sit here listening to the Christmas music channel on digital cable (why do I always forget about those music channels?!), let’s look back on the past two weeks, shall we?

When last we talked, it was about Prince William’s engagement. Well, he tried to steal the thunder of another Brit, but he was unsuccessful: HP7: Part 1 opened on the 19th, and I went to a midnight showing. You know, I just realized how annoying it is that the movies aren’t numerically symmetrical with the books, what with seven being the most magical number. Right, Jo? That being said, I liked the movie. The action sequences were good. Though, the first movie didn’t quite make the case that a split was necessary. It was a little too slow, so for it to be worth it for me, the second movie better not leave out any detail. Again, though, I did enjoy it. Especially Godric’s Hollow and Malfoy Manor. Okay, HP geeking out is over now.

The second pop culture event I took part in was seeing the Broadway musical Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. I’ll try to refrain from fagging out here (there will be plenty of time for that later), but the cast of this hot mess is amazing. Patti LuPone, Sherie Rene Scott, Laura Benanti, Brian Stokes Mitchell… If those names mean nothing to you, you should be ashamed. This one should be familiar though: Justin Guarini! Yep, that curly-haired moptop from season one of American Idol. Anyway, if you love crazy trainwrecks, see this show. It’s amazing.

The next big event (commence fagging out) was a midnight showing of Burlesque in Chelsea! Oh. My. God. That movie was amazing. I don’t know if it was bad enough to be of Showgirls calibur, but it was pretty terrible. And also fabulous. The production numbers! Cher! Xtina! And the fact that there was only one true burlesque number performed! The rest were just girls doing hip-hop/jazz hybrid dances in underwear. The audience applauded after each one, and laughed at the terrible writing/acting, which one woman got very upset about. She kept asking her boyfriend (?), “What is so funny? I’m not getting it. Am I missing something?” Brilliant.

Then there came Thanksgiving. I spent the morning baking and watching my friends from Memphis perform in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (I hate the lip-syncing that happens during that parade). I spent the afternoon/evening with my sister, sister-in-law, nephew, our Brooklyn family, and Emily. That is a day to be thankful for. Here are my pies:

Saturday, we went to the Christmas tree farm, and picked out two beautiful trees: one for me and one for my sister’s family. My nephew was absolutely enamored with everything Christmas: Santa, snowmen, reindeer, etc. And yesterday, I spent all day watching Fa La La La Lifetime movies (A Diva’s Christmas Carol? Yes, please!) and decorating my tree. As with last year, my tree is decorated with some cheap 99¢ store ornaments, but mostly handmade ones cut out from my Entertainment Weeklys, with Ellen Degeneres serving as my angel (as she is everyone’s). This year, there were some new additions joining last year’s Tina Fey, Bones and Booth, Heidi Montag, Lady Gaga, and others. My tree is proud to name these amongst its occupants: the Gilmore Girls, Cher, Justin Bieber, RuPaul, and Melissa and Joey. ‘Tis the season! Here’s a pic:

princess \ˈprin(t)-səs\ n : 1. a nonreigning female member of a royal family. 3. the consort of a prince.

Tue, 16 Nov 2010 22:18:39 -0500

Contrary to what fairy tales like Cinderella, (terrible) movies like The Prince & Me, and even some people’s real lives like Grace Kelly having been telling me all my life, I guess this regular girl is not going to be a princess. Not Prince Willam’s princess anyway. It finally happened: Wills and Catherine “Kate” Middleton are engaged. (Does anyone else find it weird that she spells Catherine with a C but Kate with a K? No? Just me? Okay.) So just like my mom did when Diana got married, and just like I did when Diana died, I’ll wake up at some ungodly hour to watch it all go down across the pond, and for those few hours wish I were British.

I’ve always been a bit of an Anglophile. I’m a big fan of Brit Lit, contemporary and classic: Harry Potter, all Jane Austen. And their pop music has always been fantastic — Why does America hate dance music so much?! And while I’m not one of those crazies who know/follow everything the Royals do, I did love Diana. (Sorry, Wills, this blog post about you is going to be about your mom too. You know how it goes.) I was fourteen when she died, so not only did I have the romanticized view of her as everyone else, I also had this teen angst connection with her. You know: they didn’t understand her, and she was so strong. Who knows how much of what we know about her is true, but I know one thing. In 1997, they made a Beanie Baby in her memory. And in 1997, there could be no greater honor.

The press was pretty kind to William and Harry after that, and we only saw them occasionally, especially stateside, I’m sure. But I did notice that William was getting super cute (as would Harry eventually, minus that Nazi thing…). And in 2000, I just happened to be in England when Williamania hit, i.e. his 18th birthday. There were so many specials on Brit TV. And he did his first official photo shoot, allowing cameras into Eton. There were pictures of him cooking! And in a Union Jack vest! This was also when I first learned the term “prefect,” which would come in handy when I started reading HP the following fall. I also looked up if I, as an American, could marry him. Yep. If I’m remembering correctly, I could. I think I could even be Queen because the King is more in charge or whatever. The only hitch was, I was a confirmed Catholic, so I’d have to get excommunicated. For Wills, I would have done it.

Alas, it seems it is not to be. I never did do that semester abroad at St. Andrews I fantasized about. (Fun fact: Jonathan Taylor Thomas also did a semester there.) Had I, perhaps it would be our engagement the Prince of Wales would be announcing. At least that’s how it went in my dreams. Instead, I’ll just have to be content waking up to watch his wedding at 3:00am.

Oh, and here is the “Prince William” section from my magazine collection:

holiday \ˈhä-lə-ˌdā \ adj : of or pertaining to a festival; festive; joyous

Mon, 01 Nov 2010 21:28:17 -0400

Well, it has begun: the holiday season. For me, it starts with Halloween and goes straight through New Year’s. Yep, about two months worth. I’ve already caught flack for the fact that I start listening to Christmas music November 1st (more on that later), but I don’t care. This is my celebration. And if my Halloween was any indication of how awesome this year’s festivities will be, things are looking good!

I had a great weekend of parties and costumes and babies. As I’ve previously stated in this blog, I love Halloween costumes. This year, I had a pretty amazing costume, and I’ve never been happier that ugly clothes are back in fashion. You see, I was Clarissa Darling, that early ’90s Nickelodeon star who would explain it all. She wore bright colors and lots of obnoxious jewelry. And I spent about $55 at Kmart and Claire’s Accessories finding the perfect elements to make my costume. The only thing I was missing were combat boots, which I own, but are at my parents’ house in Chicago. If only I would have thought of it sooner… Ah, well. I went to a great party Friday and got delightfully (I think…I don’t recall slapping anyone) drunk. The rest of the weekend was spent with adorable babies in costume and handing out candy to trick-or-treaters. How fantastic. Anyway, here’s my costume along with its inspiration:

So, onto the next holiday of the season, which you are correct to say is Thanksgiving. But in my world, Thanksgiving may as well be Christmas Eve. Don’t get me wrong; I love Thanksgiving. To me, Thanksgiving is about sharing a meal with people you love and being with my New York family. Now, I’m lucky enough to have a sister nearby, who is, obviously, my actual family. But I’ve also been welcomed into this glorious chosen family of hers. And every year since I’ve moved here, we’ve all had Thanksgiving together. But I know that some year, were she not to be around for Thanksgiving, I would be welcome at numerous other tables of those in New York who I love and who love me. Oh, the holidays do make me sentimental, don’t they? On a lighter note, I also love Thanksgiving for the pie.

As I stated earlier, I caused a bit of an angry convo on facebook when I updated my status that I was listening to Christmas music. That’s my rule: November 1st. And that rule isn’t to make me start celebrating early, it’s to keep me from celebrating even sooner! Christmas means all things winter to me, and winter is my most favorite season. No joke, I love when the wind is so cold it stings your face. And once you enter a warm building, you can still feel that sting on your face. And you can just tell your cheeks and nose are red. And snow! Don’t get me started on snow. In the words of Lorelai Gilmore, fellow snow-lover, “The world changes when it snows. It gets quiet. Everything softens.” Now, I get why it annoys people that stores start putting out one holiday’s items before another holiday has even happened, but I can’t help it. Sometimes, in the middle of the summer, I’ll just get this Christmasy feeling out of nowhere and wish it were December. So you don’t have to break out your *NSYNC Home for Christmas CD, but I’m gonna go load it on my iPod. Don’t begrudge me that.

trick \ˈtrik\ n : a crafty or underhanded device, maneuver, stratagem, or the like, intended to deceive or cheat; artifice; ruse; wile

Sun, 24 Oct 2010 20:17:00 -0400

I understand how reality TV works. Really. I get that it’s not really real. You have some people who are putting on an act, and even those who aren’t are acting only as “real” as they can in an abnormal situation. And there are the editors, who are the real storytellers, taking hours of footage and turning out storylines of compelling melodrama or just silliness. And I also know, thanks to Laguna Beach, The Hills, etc., that there are those kind of “reenactment” reality TV shows. But I never watched those shows; I just wasn’t interested. Well, now that fake sort of reality TV is infiltrating one of my favorite reality TV genres: food shows.

It started with Cupcake Wars. I didn’t question the validity of this show at first. Perhaps I was too dazzled by the delicious looking cupcakes. Or too annoyed by the condescending way the host informs the contestants of the passing time with ridiculous statements. (Don’t forget to include time in your recipe! You have ten minutes!) Or perhaps I was just happy to see the actor/carpenter have a place on TV again (Trading Spaces, anyone?). But the more I watched the show, the more things seemed suspect. The premise is that four cupcake bakers battle it out in three rounds with one winning the chance to have their 1,000 cupcakes served on their specially made display at some sort of event immediately following the show. Now, sometimes I noticed the cupcakes served at the events were minis, not the full-sized cupcakes they made during the show. Not to mention, the more I thought about it, the less it seemed likely an event would be cool with serving 1,000 cupcakes made hastily in a TV studio kitchen. There has to be days between the show and the event. I’m not buying it. Plus, what do they do with the losing teams cupcakes?!

Then today (which prompted this blog post), I was watching Amazing Wedding Cakes on one of those lady channels. On this show, they usually show the cake’s journey from consultation to execution and delivery. You get to see the couple with the cake on their wedding day. That seems like a lot of set-up if it’s just a reenactment. On an episode I watched today, though, something caught my eye. I knew one of the couples! We’re just acquaintances, and I knew they were together, but not that they were getting married. I called one of our mutual friends, and he said he didn’t know they were getting married. A quick facebook search revealed they were not married, not on facebook anyway. Amazing Wedding Cakes, how could you?! Sure enough, they showed a consultation with the couple, and they made the cake, but it was never delivered. There was no cake-cutting moment because there was no wedding! So beware if you’re watching this show and there’s no happy bride and groom shown. It’s all lies!

The worst of these shows, however, is DC Cupcakes. And not because it tries to trick you into thinking it’s reality. Because it thinks you’re so much of a moron, you’ll believe it’s reality. It’s one thing to do a reality show that consists of realistic reenactments. I mean, if I hadn’t known that couple on Amazing Wedding Cakes, I might not have realized some of it was fake. But the people on DC Cupcakes are so obviously acting, it’s impossible to suspend your belief for even a second. And yet…it’s so bad, I can’t really stop watching it. They’re such terrible actors, and the reenactments are so contrived, it really is riveting to watch. I find myself laughing out loud at the sheer silliness of it. One time, the sisters who own the bakery had aday to finish a big display of cupcakes. Cut to a shot of them waking up underneath a table, where they had fallen asleep on broken down pink pastry boxes. They stretched and yawned like cartoon characters and exclaimed, “Oh my gosh! We fell asleep!” Brilliant. When it’s this bad, I’m totally okay with the lie.

timing \ˈtīm-iŋ\ n : the selecting of the best time or speed for doing something in order to achieve the desired or maximum result

Thu, 21 Oct 2010 21:14:55 -0400

It’s that time again: October baseball! Now, neither of my teams are still in it. The White Sox started slowly, had a strong mid-season, and petered out at the end. And the Mets…well, I told you guys Jerry Manuel sucks. But, I still love the Postseason. Okay, non-baseball fans, that’s all the sports talk you’ll have to endure. Because the real point is that I happen to be cat-sitting at my sister’s and I have the game on. But if I were at my house, I wouldn’t be able to watch it. Fox and Cablevision are fighting, and millions of people, including me, are the ones losing out. If my sister didn’t have Time Warner, I wouldn’t know that the Giants have a rookie named Buster Posey. Buster Posey! You’re welcome for that gem, fellow Cablevision customers.

Now, I don’t know if it’s a New York thing, or a digital cable thing, but, in my youth, I don’t ever remember channels being turned off because two rich companies were arguing over which company would get richer. And it’s certainly not a coincidence that this is happening now. Cablevision, you’re not fooling me. Fox is losing out on big ratings; why would they be cool with cutting off service unless you were trying to screw them over? And with the Rocky Horror Glee episode airing next week, Fox must really be hoping this is resolved. And pretty damn quickly. Cablevision also happened to get into a dispute with ABC right before the Ocsars were to air. Interesting, huh? ABC was suddenly missing from all of our TVs on the day of the Oscars, only to return to the air about 15 minutes into the ceremony. Of course, we had all made alternate viewing plans. My friends had to relocate a party they had been planning.

In fact, in the year I’ve been a Cablevision customer, there have been three (three!) interruptions of service. I’m sure the networks and channels’ parent companies are as much to blame in the situation, but all I have helping me judge is a condescending message that is read by a calming female voice whenever I turn on my TV. Well, you know what, Cablevision? I don’t care who’s to blame. All I care about is getting the services I pay (a lot) of money for. And I care that I wasn’t able to see my friend Rachel on her Food Network reality show when it began airing. You took Food Network from me?! How could you?! I had to watch it online. So let that be a warning to get your shit together, cable companies, because the Internet is reading this post right now, laughing it’s streaming-content ass off.

BTW, here’s Buster Posey:

overwhelmed \ˌō-vər-ˈhwelm- ed\ adj. to be overcome completely in mind or feeling

Tue, 12 Oct 2010 20:53:12 -0400

Oh my god. I haven’t blogged in awhile because when you last heard from me, I was preparing for the arrival of eleven family members. Before they came, I had another friend come stay with me, so I needed to clean my apartment. All of this plus my work, improv, and Patty & Emily duties, then the actual arrival of my family, meant I’ve been extremely busy. Add to all of this my crazy and you have a very overwhelmed Patty. And yet, the visit was a success! My family, I hope, had a great time. And while I may have stressed out too much, as I am wont to do, I also had a great time. I got to go to a lot of tourist sites I hadn’t been to, and some others I didn’t mind visiting again. And I got to share Memphis with them! That may have been my favorite part. That and spending time with my nieces and nephew. Oh man, are they cute!

Of course, all this family time left me behind on my TV! It’s the beginning of the season, and I’m behind on almost all of my scripted shows! I’ve kept up with my competition reality shows for fear of being spoiled: your ANTM, you Top Chef: Just Desserts, your Project Runway. I did let DWTS fall by the wayside, though. Perhaps I’ll just skip the aired episodes and start off next Monday. As stated, it’s a show I’m not 100% invested in. The two scripted shows I am on top of are Glee and Bones. I mean, I obviously can’t wait too long to watch Glee. I’ll be watching this week’s ep as soon as I’m done here. And Bones is my current Dawson’s, my Gilmore Girls. The show whose characters I can’t be without even if the writers don’t always do them justice. (That season premier was a waste of an episode, but last week’s was great.) But I’m behind on, I think, every other show I watch. I have to catch up on 30 Rock because the live episode is this week. And then there’s The Good Wife and Mike & Molly. I haven’t even watched their premiers! Geez. I’m getting tired just thinking about everything I have to watch. Good thing I love it.

And just like my family’s visit and the sheer amount of TV I have to watch, I’ve been a little overwhelmed, in a good way, the past few days thanks to Patty & Emily. We got some more great news regarding the Mutual Admiration Society we’ve formed with Memphis. And we’ve had a little more Internet magic (which of course is where the Mutual Admiration Society began) courtesy of Twitter. You see, we made this little video, An Open Letter to Kristin Chenoweth, about out concerns for her Internet safety. Well, a friend of hers sent it to her, and she tweeted about it! She called it “HIGHlarious,” and now fangirls every where are cursing us for advising her to stop tweeting her location. We got negative YouTube comments! Complete with poor grammar. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. So, yeah. I have a lot of sleep to catch up on, a lot of crumbs to vacuum up (three kids in my two room apartment), a lot of TV to watch, and a lot of poorly worded comments to read. But I’ll definitely take feeling this kind of overwhelmed rather than being underwhelmed with my life…or even just being whelmed (which I think you can be in Europe).

conflicted \kən-ˈflik-təd\ adj : to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; clash

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 22:37:00 -0400

Britney Spears and I have a complicated relationship. (Of course, it’s probably safe to say Britney has a complicated relationship with most people.) It’s always been that way. Part of me loves her, but part of me really, really hates her. Britney rose to fame when I was a sophomore in high school. That was before I admitted I liked dance pop for some stupid reason. I had some idea that I was better than everyone (shocking, right?!), and dance pop was below me. I was a jackass. It wasn’t until my friend Heather opened my eyes to the amazingness of *NSYNC the Halloween of ‘99 that I truly realized how much I loved a great beat, catchy melody, and singable lyrics.

At first, my main issue with Britney wasn’t the quality of her music (though at the time I clearly thought it was lacking). I really objected to two things, one I still firmly believe and one I’m still on the fence about. Both of these things I addressed in a letter to my high school’s newspaper, The Prospector. How I wish I had that issue with me. I mean, I do still have that issue; I obviously kept it. It’s just back at home with the rest of my keepsakes. I felt compelled to get on my high horse and respond to an article about Ms. Spears (how I referred to her in the letter), which I believe was about her performance at the 2000 VMAs. You know which one I’m talking about. My two points of contention were her lip-syncing and the inappropriate strip tease she performed.

As to the latter, I’m still conflicted on this issue. I do think it’s stupid for any performer to give the “I’m not trying to be a role model” speech because you should always be held responsible for your actions, whether you’re Britney Spears on national television or me at Maggie’s Christmas party last year (sorry I slapped so many people!). But I also feel it’s up to the parents to be aware of what their kids are listening to and watching. They also need to take responsibility. And perhaps use the Miley Cyrus pole dancing incident as a “teachable moment,” as Oprah calls it.

I’m still as stubborn as my teenage self, however, on the issue of lip-syncing. It’s not cool. It’s never appropriate. I don’t care who you are or what venue you’re performing in. If you bill yourself as a singer, if you release CDs on which your vocals are heard, you should be singing live. Yes, I know Britney’s a dancer, but so’s Beyonce, y’all! Her crazy dad made Destiny’s Child go running while they sang to build up breath control. That is what I’m talking about. Britney does occasionally sing, but it’s usually labored and strained. And she used to be able to. If only she’d put the same amount of effort into building up her vocal talent as she did building up her image, think what a strong singer she’d be.

There’s one thing I’m not confused about: she’s entertaining. Whether it was watching her fall apart (Schadenfreude! Thanks for helping me spell that, Avenue Q!), watching her first attempt at a comeback (more schadenfreude), or just jamming out at my desk to Stronger today, I am entertained by her. Her bad songs are just as entertaining as the good ones. Stronger is amazing and Lucky is ridiculous, but they’re both on my iPod. It’s also really fun to imitate her. And even her acting in Crossroads wasn’t terrible, though the movie was (Side note — did you know Shonda Rhimes wrote that? The creator of Grey’s Anatomy?! Weird, right?) So, I haven’t watched Glee yet, but I know I’ll enjoy it because if her cameo is terrible, I’ll laugh, and if it’s great, I’ll enjoy!

anticipate \an-ˈti-sə-ˌpāt\ v : to expect; look forward to; be sure of

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 21:58:14 -0400

Guys! It’s Tuesday night! And that means Glee is back! I was so excited for this!!! Now, I did take notes during the episode, but I promise, I won’t just recap the entire episode. I know not all of you watch Glee (though you should), and some of you who do may not have watched yet. But based on my notes, here are a few observations (Careful, though, there may be things some people might consider spoilers.):

1. Rachel has new bangs. Methinks Lea Michele wanted to look prettier.

2. You can tell they make TV shows ahead of time. The “hit songs” they do are Empire State of Mind and Billionaire. Maybe it’s me, but I’m kind of over those songs. They better do my new jam, Fuck You, at some point. And no radio version. Just beep that shit out!

3. No specifics, but this episode is pretty racist, and it’s hilarious.

4. Sue was OUTSTANDING! Great quips and dog poop cookies!

5. I wish this Sue PSA had been part of the actual show.

6. The new lady (I use that term lightly) football coach reminds me of Miss Trunchbull from Matilda. Put Finn in the chokey!

7. Okay, here I am going to get specific. Someone introduces that they’re going to sing “Listen from the movie Dreamgirls.” Rachel makes a point of saying it was a Broadway show first. That may be true, Rachel, but the song Listen was written specifically for the movie, so it’s not an incorrect statement. Think.

8. Burlesque ad! Another thing I’m excited for!

9. Cheyenne Jackson!

10. The final musical number was what I had been waiting for since the season one finale in June. Thank you.

11. Oh, I thought I was done, but then they showed the preview for the Britney episode next week. It’s going to be epic. Another thing to look forward to!!! Thanks, Glee!

autumn \ˈȯ-təm\ n : the season between summer and winter; fall

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 22:04:00 -0400

It’s always best to be cautious when welcoming in a new season. Those first couple of weeks are dicey — you never know if it’s going to be t-shirt warm or jacket cold. In fact, I’m outside, and it went from one to the other as I sat here. But I’m not afraid to say it: I’m so glad it’s finally fall! In my rankings of the seasons, fall comes in at two, behind winter and ahead of spring, with summer bringing up the rear. Weather-wise, I think fall and spring might tie, but in activities and treats, fall takes the (pumpkin-flavored) cake.

Perhaps my favorite thing about the fall is Halloween. Oh man, do I love Halloween. I love getting dressed up. I’m totally going to be that mom who still wears a full costume to hand out candy. And if you’ve read this blog, you know my stance on Halloween candy — maybe this year, trick-or-treaters! I pride myself on never having repeated a costume (at least once I started choosing them myself), and can tell you what I’ve been every year since kindergarten. Some highlights: 3rd grade: The Statue of Liberty, 5th grade: a Stop Sign, 9th grade: Pippi Longstocking, 11th grade: a Newsie (duh), 12th grade: Daria, Soph year of college: Kelly Osbourne, last year: a Walk of Shame. I also have this (apparently annoying) habit of keeping my costumes a surprise. It’s not because I think they’re super amazing, but just because I think it’s fun for everyone to show up to work or school or wherever and all be surprised. So, I do have an idea of what I’m going to be this year, but I’m certainly not going to tell you!

I’m also a huge fan of all things food that come with fall. Pumpkin flavored everything. Apple cider, hot and cold. Thanksgiving-y and harvest-y foods. You know it’s fall when you walk into a Starbucks and see the Pumpkin Spice latte up on their specials board. I got one the other day! Not from Starbucks, but still… Food related activities are also super fun. When I was little, we always went apple picking every fall, an extremely country thing for our very suburban family to do. It was so much fun. And the pies that would be made! Oh, the pies! Two years ago, my mom, sisters, and little nieces came out in September, and we went apple picking. Well, they (and a zillion other relatives, including my dad and a nephew who hadn’t been born yet) are coming back in a few weeks, and apple picking is penciled in on the itinerary. Plus, there’s always the trip to the pumpkin patch! Now that I have a nephew in the city, Halloween is going to be even more fun!

As for fall entertainment, there’s obviously great TV to look forward to (as previously blogged about), and fall baseball! It’s one of the best times to go see a ball game (depending on how your team is doing). Hopefully my White Sox can “cinch it up, and hunker down” as Hawk Harrleson says, and end this season with a bang! The theatre season is also starting, and while many shows I’m excited for aren’t opening until 2011, there are some great shows opening this fall. Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson, which I missed at The Public, is thankfully coming to Broadway. I’m also interested to see Elf and can’t wait for Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown, obvi (Patti! Sherie! Laura!) And don’t forget movies. The one I’m absolutely salivating over is The Social Network. Oh, man. It. Looks. Epic. Not to mention Part 1 of HP and The Deathly Hallows. All in all, I think this fall is shaping up to be pretty shamzing!

breakdown \ˈbrāk-ˌdau̇n\ n : an analysis or classification of something; division into parts, categories, processes, etc.

Tue, 14 Sep 2010 00:31:49 -0400

It’s already started: the Fall TV season is upon us! In the coming weeks, there will be premieres galore, and my DVR is hopefully ready. I will be carefully checking the scheduled recordings, since my DVR likes to forget I told it to record things if they haven’t been on in awhile. A good sign, however? ANTM recorded without me reminding it. So, here are the shows I’m looking forward to!

Mondays

HIMYM — Jennifer Morrison will be on the show this season, which is exciting. Also, I believe there will be a return of Robin Sparkles!!!

Mike and Molly — Melissa McCarthy, you are the only reason I’m watching this show. I hope it’s as good a show as you deserve! You’re amazing!

Dancing with the Stars — I’m going to give this another try, thought I’ve only watched on complete season (the one with Aaron Carter, Donny Osmond, MJH, and Kelly Osbourne obvi). I tried watching the subsequent season, but got super bored. This season, however, I actually know who all of the people are. And they include Florence Henderson (Mrs. Brady!), Jennifer Grey (don’t put her in a corner!), Brandy (she killed someone!), Kyle Massey (That’s So Raven’s little brother!), and Bristol Palin (Abstinence Only Education Advocate!). And these are just the highlights.

Tuesdays

Glee — Duh. Along with the amazing music, the guest stars are gonna kill it: John Stamos, Britney (playing herself, so it should be alright), Cheyenne Jackson, Carol Burnett, and Javier Bardem (?). Plus, JGroff, Idina, and Cheno will be back. Eek!

Running Wilde — I’m gonna give this a shot. I love Will Arnett and Keri Russell. Plus, it’s by Mitch Hurwitz, the guy behind Arrested Development.

The Good Wife — Mmmm. This show is so good. Julianna Margulies is amazing, and I love love love Josh Charles. The rest of the cast is fantastic as well. Plus, along with any Law & Order that shoots in New York, it’s fun to play the “spot the Broadway actor” game.

Parenthood — This show makes me happy. I love Lauren Graham, and while it makes me miss Gilmore Girls, it also makes me miss my crazy family. It’s such a good ensemble show.

Wednesdays

ANTM — Obvi. I wrote an entire blog about it. Awkward tiny waist girl, FTW! (Not really.)

Modern Family — I adore this show. It’s so funny, and so sweet. I love me some Jesse Tyler Ferguson, and Ty Burrell has some of the funniest lines on TV. The kids are spectacular as well. Manny is a genius character. Well deserved Emmys for the show and Eric Stonestreet! Now, let’s see some boys kissing!!!

Cougar Town — Oh my god. Watch this show. It’s hilarious! Yes, the title is terrible, but whatever. Another hilarious ensemble piece, the relationships between these people are so funny. My fave interactions are Jules and her son, Travis, and Andy and Bobby. Please give this show a chance. It’s great.

Top Chef: Just Desserts — Bonus points for a brilliant name! I’m pretty excited about this. Gail’s hosting, and it’s all about dessert! I hope this gives them ideas for dessert challenges to do in regular Top Chef. Desserts always separate the winners from the losers!

Thursdays (the busiest night on TV)

Bones — I can’t wait for this season to begin! Mostly because I want to know if someone at The Jeffersonian noticed that the entire Forensic Anthropology department took a year off. That’s not really how the real world works. But, anyway. Looking forward to seeing how Bones deals with Booth’s new lady, and how it affects the rest of the team. It may be too far away to discuss this season’s finale, but after two crappy ones, I better get a good one.

Community — Love this show. Geez, yet another great ensemble piece! This show’s really funny, and I don’t think got the attention it deserved. I routinely laugh out loud when watching it.

30 Rock — If you don’t know why I’m looking forward to this show, you don’t know me.

The Office — Steve Carell’s last season, which I actually assumed would be the show’s last season. Either way, there should be some great Michael episodes. I’m excited that Holly will be back in some capacity!

Parks and Rec — Looking forward to this coming back sooner than expected after NBC realizes that pushing it to mid-season for Outsourced was a bad idea. Sorry, Outsourced, I won’t be watching you.

Fringe — I’m actually behind on this show, but the episodes I missed are waiting on my DVR. I just need a free Saturday to catch up. I love Joshua Jackson. :-)

Project Runway — This is currently going on. There’s a lot of drama this season, and I’m liking the designers aesthetics. Plus, Tim Gunn seems especially sassy. I think PR is back on track!

It’s Always Sunny — Last season was alright, with just a few stand-out episodes (the World Series one was great), so hopefully this season will be amazing. Of course, an alright episode of It’s Always Sunny still makes me pee in pants from laughing.

Sunday

Boardwalk Empire — This show looks amazing. Since I don’t have HBO, I will have to find other means of watching it.

As you can see, I only have three new shows on this list. And I’m only really looking forward to one of them. The other two are getting chances because of their casts. My schedule is pretty full, so I’m fine with not adding too many new shows, but it’s a little disheartening that there aren’t more that look interesting to me. C’mon, people! Make it hard for me to choose which shows to keep and which to let go!

franchise \ˈfran-ˌchīz\ the right or license granted by a company to an individual or group to market its products or services in a specific territory

Wed, 08 Sep 2010 17:00:51 -0400

Oh man, America’s Next Top Model starts tonight! I’m excited about this for two reasons: one, I <3 ANTM, and two, the Fall TV season is beginning! Yay! Now, I have loved Top Model since the beginning, and I can’t imagine I’ll ever stop watching it, but Tyra needs to cool it with the crazy. Just like I watch American Idol for the contestants, I watch ANTM for the models. While some things are hilarious for their camp value (Super Smize, anyone?), most are just annoying (the Tyra drag queen/Thailand nonsense from cycle 6, the Z/New Zealand nonsense from last cycle). Thankfully, with the addition of André Leon Talley last season, she seems to have chilled out. And this season promises to be surprisingly legit: a spread in Italian Vogue for the winner and guest judges including Patricia Field and Margherita Missoni. I can’t wait!

Of course, this adds more confusion to my life as I’m already trying to keep track of three different sets of Top Model contestants. No, I’m not catching up on cycles I’ve missed (duh, I haven’t missed any). I am, however, watching currently airing seasons of Britain’s Next Top Model, Australia’s Next Top Model, and New Zealand’s Next Top Model. Yep. They’re all available online, though I won’t link to them so they don’t get removed. If you try hard enough, you’ll find them. My hunger for international Top Model franchises started back when I didn’t have cable (can you believe it?!). I was thirsting for television, and Top Model filled that void. Including watching every cycle of each of the above versions, I have also watched all three cycles of Canada’s Next Top Model. One day, I watched almost ten minutes of Germany’s Next Top Model, hosted by Heidi Klum!, before realizing I didn’t have any idea what they were saying.

I still don’t understand why these cycles aren’t shown in the US. Other countries get to watch ANTM, so why do I have to scour the Interwebs, risking spyware and viruses, just to watch girls from around the world complain about nude photo shoots? (BTW, really? Every time there’s a nude shoot, someone’s religion/morals/body issues are tested. This happens every cycle in every country. Deal with it. You’re a model.) I remember VH1 showed condensed versions of the first two cycles of BTNM, but having already watched them, I knew what wasn’t being shown. People were missing out. Tyra! Here’s a money-making opportunity for you! Start a Top Model network, and show every incarnation of the show ever. I would watch that. I know a lot of other people who would too. Plus, think of the future crossover potential! Alex Perry and Julien MacDonald could guest judge ANTM sometime. Trust me guys, you’d love them! Let’s share the Top Model love, and the world will be a better place!

Now, here’s a slide show of my fave contestant, Joanie Dodds:

realize \ˈrē-ə-ˌlīz\ v : to grasp or understand clearly

Thu, 26 Aug 2010 21:15:04 -0400

Have you ever listened to a song you really like, one that you’ve heard a million times, and suddenly you’re actually comprehending the lyrics and cannot believe how terrible they are? And I don’t mean nonsensical or bad lyrics, but the actual message of the song is horrible. But the catchy melody and jangly guitars disguised it as something else. Who knows why, but I recently had this moment of understanding with two songs I really loved. And have loved for years. And not surprisingly, they’re country songs with terrible messages.

The first song is one by Shania Twain. Now, it’s no secret that Shania has some pretty ridiculous songs. “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” is not only silly, but it has punctuation in the middle of the song title. And “That Don’t Impress Me Much” is maybe one of the stupidest song I’ve ever heard. But I’ve been aware of this the entire time I’ve listened to them, and I still have them on my iPod. I knew what I was getting into. It was only recently, however, that I actually paid attention to the lyrics of Shania’s first big crossover hit, “Any Man of Mine.” This song came out in 1995, when I was twelve, and I’ve loved it since then. I don’t know why I never paid close attention to the message, but holy crap! It’s terrible. When you hear snippets of it, it seems alright:

Any man of mine’ll say it fits just fine
When last year’s dress is just a little too tight

OR

Well any man of mine better disagree
When I say another woman’s looking better than me.

I mean, we all need a little reassurance sometimes, and sometimes you need to hear a white lie. But then you hear the rest of the lyrics:

And I can be late for a date; that’s fine
But he better be on time.

Shania, that is just rude! Or how about:

And anything I do or say better be okay
When I have a bad hair day.

Geez. Get over yourself. This poor guy. I’d say I now know why your husband divorced you, but he helped write the song. Too bad it’s still really catchy, and I love it.

A song I have really hard time listening to now, though, is one by Garth Brooks. Now he has some messed up songs. A few of his songs have secret third verses he only does in concerts because they were too racy for the record label and radio. Like, in the secret third verse of “The Thunder Rolls,” a song about adultery, the wife shoots the husband who was cheating on her. And one of my fave Garth songs is “Papa Loved Mama,” about a truck driver who comes home to surprise his wife. Well, she’s off cheating, of course. So he drives his rig into the motel where she’s getting busy and then “mama’s in the graveyard; papa’s in the pen.” Obviously, Garth’s no stranger to controversy. But I only recently realized this one song “The Night I Called the Old Man Out” is straight up about child abuse. And not in the sad Suzanne Vega/”Luka” way. In the “so I could become a man, my father has to beat the shit out of me, and that’s just how life is” way. Father and son argue over dinner, and then this is the chorus:

He said, “Son, it’s gonna hurt you more than it hurts me.”
But some how I couldn’t help but have my doubts.
‘Cause I’d seen my older brothers crawl back in the house,
Each time they called the old man out.

Okay, so he sees it’s a problem. It’s cyclical even. Except then he gets all Stockholm-syndromey, and the last verse before the final chorus is:

It was over in a minute
That’s when I realized
The blood came from my mouth and nose
But the tears came from his eyes
And in memory of that fateful night
I know the greatest pain was his
And I just pray some day I’m half the man he is

GARTH! Are you ‘effing kidding me? If you never beat your children, you’ll be eighty times the man he is. The greatest pain was his because he had to kick the shit out of his kid?! Hello, rationalizing. I now have to skip this song when it comes on my iPod. I should just go back to not listening to the meaning of country songs. Life was so much easier then.