Today I found out Miss Illinois 2010 is a fellow Illinois Wesleyan alumna. Which, of course, got me thinking two things: A. My school turns out very successful people and B. I love watching beauty pageants. They’re ridiculous and amazing and such a weird thing to me. Yes, I get the whole “scholarship program” thing, but with the amount of money you put into pageants, couldn’t you save that money up for school instead? Then you wouldn’t have to develop body dysmorphia at the age of fourteen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they’re a lot of fun. And the complexes that come from beauty pageants aren’t that different from other competitive activities. But the whole culture of it is so specific, that it makes for great entertainment.
Think about the recent phenomena of TV shows about little girl pageants. That shit is crazy. And it’s as much about the mothers, if not more so, than the daughters. Toddlers & Tiaras is fascinating. Yet those mothers pushing their kids in pageants are not much different from soccer moms. Sure, the focus is on “facial beauty” and not scoring goals, but in the end, it’s all about winning, right? You’re still considered “less than” if you don’t win a trophy (and sometimes a puppy). There are probably a lot of girls who love doing it, and just like soccer, a lot more whose parents force them into it. And as upsetting as the over-sexualization of five-year-olds is, I’ll be damned if it isn’t entertaining to watch them make those weird faces and awkwardly blow kisses to the judges. Don’t forget your prissy walk!
Creepiness of child pageants aside, adult pageants can be equally as entertaining. So much so, they inspire movies! The best of which, I think, is Drop Dead Gorgeous. This movie is ridiculously hilarious. It not only mocks beauty pageants, but small town America, both being things at which I enjoy laughing. Kirsten Dunst is actually quite enjoyable in this movie, a feat in itself. Another one of my favorite pageant movies stars Academy Award winner Sandra Bullock! Miss Congeniality! This movie is so many things all rolled up into one. You think it’s going to be a romantic comedy, but it’s not! That Sandy fools you again! It’s a cop movie plus a pageant movie with an inspirational female empowerment message. Plus, it gave me one of my favorite things to quote: You think I’m gorgeous. You want to kiss me…
And my favorite part about real live beauty pageants is the talent competition, which they don’t always show. That’s the stuff, programmers! For some reason, these women are stuck in some sort of Star Search time warp, where their actual talent is filtered through bad costumes, song arrangements, and choreography. And next year, the talents of the Miss America Pageant will be on ABC for the entire country to see. I can only hope fellow Titan Miss Illinois makes it to the top ten so I can see her tap dancing skills. And also Miss Rhode Island, whose talent is “Smile” according to Wikipedia. I hope that means she just stands there and smiles.
Now, I know I’ve posted this before, but I’m going to leave you with the most epic Miss America talent presentation ever. I give you Miss Arkansas 1994:
