So, Drake’s album came out today.  To be honest, I don’t really know any of his music (I should get on that), and it doesn’t really matter if I like it or not because the first thing I will always think about whenever I see him will be Jimmy Brooks.  Just like my mom still calls some of her friends by their maiden names, I will always be amazed to see Drake walking around onstage because Jimmy was put in a wheelchair after Rick shot him during a Very Special Episode of Degrassi.  Now, that doesn’t mean I won’t like his music or appreciate him as an artist.  I respect Mark Wahlberg as an actor, but I still think of Good Vibrations when I see him.  C’mon, c’mon.  Feel it, feel it.  Feel the vibrations!  Oh, I always will Marky Mark, I always will.  For a long time, Mark Wahlberg was super bitchy about his past life in Calvin Klein briefs, but he eventually got over it and himself, and now enjoys talking to animals.

A lot of actors and singers are totally cool about embracing their questionable career beginnings.  Mark-Paul Gosselaar recently appeared in full on Zack Morris gear on Jimmy Fallon.  I tip my hat to you sir.  You made many twentysomethings very happy that day.  John Stamos is also surprisingly cool about his days as Uncle Jesse on Full House.  In fact, all of the cast, except of course the Olsen twins who profited the most from it, seem to enjoy the love they get from fans of the amazingly sweet and formulaic show.  I follow most of the cast on twitter and they’re adorable with each other.  Now, if only Joey Lawrence had agreed to do that Blossom reunion on that show I don’t watch, I would have actually watched it. Whoa, Joey.  Don’t be such a douche.  Johnny Carson and Nell Carter may have given you your start, but Blossom made you a teen heartthrob.  And now that you and Melissa Joan Hart are going to be on a show together, I better get some self-referential jokes.  Maybe something about torn jeans and talking cats.  I don’t know, I’m just tossing out ideas.

The person who makes me the angriest when it comes to being a jerk about his past, however, is Christian Bale.  For a long time, he was super mean about Newsies.  Now, no one’s going to come out and say Newsies is a cinematic masterpiece, but it’s a pretty awesome movie.  Especially for those of us who loved it as kids.  And even though he now says in interviews that he’s made peace with it and that “time healed those wounds,” I say ‘eff you Christian Bale.  Don’t patronize me.  Do you know the reason I saw Swing Kids?  Newsies.  How about the reason I saw A Midsummer Night’s Dream?  Newsies.  Or the reason when you were announced as the next Batman and everyone said, “Who? Oh, that guy,” but I said, “Of course! He’ll be amazing!”?  It was Newsies.  Newsies is the reason I’ve been a fan of yours since I was nine years old.  Fine, maybe at seventeen you thought you were making an important film that would change history, but you didn’t.  And that’s cool because it did change your history.  It gave you thousands of fans who have stood by you since 1992.  Don’t be embarrassed; suck it up, Christian, and keep carryin’ the banner!